HOW TO: SWIPE A KEY CARD

With the onset of universal keycard access, proper swiping techniques are more important than ever. A clean and confident swipe says "Respect me, I have security clearance." While most card-carries are familiar with the swift, downward stroke of the basic swipe, many also become panicked when this fundamental method fails. Below, FM's emergency guide to swipology:

THE REVERSE:

As any mad scientist can tell you, when at first you don't succeed, reverse the polarities. Try swiping from the bottom real slow-like. This fools the card reader into letting you in where a normal swipe won't do. This maneuver forms the basis for several more complicated routines, such as the "Double-Dip" and "The One-armed Seizure."

THE WHIPLASH:

This advanced technique is reserved for those who carry their keycards around their necks. Heavily influenced by Eastern philosophy, this no-hands approach will be the envy of all once perfected. Dangle your card at the bottom of the reader until it catches. with a quick jerk of the neck, whip the card up and out of the slot. When executed correctly, you may feel a sharp pain in the small of the back--have no fear, this will be quickly soothed by the glowing accolades from you colleagues.

THE FAILURE:

As with most activities of this complexity, no-method is completely fool-proof. From time to time, even your best efforts will be met only by he stubborn red light on the card reader, blinking insanely, mocking you. The only course of action at this point is swift and violent retribution. Follow a series of "Double-Dips" with a barrage of vicious kicks and off-color remarks. Eventually someone will open the door and let you in.