Why I Hate TV News

Welcome to the 10 o'clock news on WSEL, your number one network for news you can use. Hey, that rhymes!

At the top of our program we bring you this late-breaking story sponsored by Coors Light, it's the right beer now.

Remember, if it isn't a Coors, it sucks.

Thanks, Jim. This is Jane Lush reporting. I'm standing in what is perhaps the dumbest possible location on the planet right now.

In order to bring you the latest in captivating news, many correspondents have set up shop on the roof of Serbian military headquarters, a 200-story X-shaped building made of neon glow-in-the-dark playing cards.

Rumor around the journalist pub has it that this building is a NATO bombing target, but that hasn't stopped us from making smores and drinking Coors up here.

Much of the reporting on Kosovo has focused on the tragic tales of murder and forced evacuation.

But there's happy time in Kosovo too, especially when Coors Light is involved.

Take this group of drunken Kosovars right here. These guys are happy campers thanks to Coors.

Back to you Jim.

Thanks, Jane. You think you can bring back some Serbian chocolates? My wife really loves those.

We now go to our weather report sponsored by the National Association of Umbrella Manufacturers.

Remember, if it doesn't involve umbrellas, it sucks.

Gracias Jim, This is Yula Gree here with WSEL weather. I lost my satellite image printouts, but I'm willing to bet it will rain tonight.

As a matter of fact, I did bet it would rain. You might even say, if it doesn't rain, I'm a dead man.

I forecast rain tonight, tomorrow and forever. Be sure to pack your umbrellas, folks.

Back to you Jim.

Merci Yula.

We now take you to our random scary health story of the day, brought to you by Crest toothpaste.

Remember, if you don't use Crest, you suck.

I love you Jim. This is Lesley Crest, your WSEL health reporter.

Researchers at Crest Labs have discovered today that people who use Crest rather than other inferior toothpastes, have healthier lives.

According to the report "Crest Rules!" issued today, Crest-users have fulfilling relationships, lucrative jobs and discover true happiness by age 30.

On the other hand, according to the study, people who don't use Crest suffer from low selfesteem, loneliness and the black plague.

In other words, they just suck.

That's all Jim. Back to you.

You were wonderful last night, Lesley.

Next up is the WSEL tech report brought to you by Microsoft. "If we don't rule the world, who will?"

Remember, if it's not Microsoft, it sucks.

Howdy folks, I'm Scott Free, your tech guru.

Since last week's release of Windows Two Billion, many people have complained about the exploding computer problem, in which PCs with Windows Two Billion self-destruct upon shutdown.

I've been in the technology business for a long time, and I can tell you that there's nothing to worry about people.

It is standard in all new software releases that there are going to be some problems.

Microsoft is aware of the issue and will be selling body armor on its Web site.

Those who want to retain the use of their legs can upgrade to the Microsoft Windows Appendage Protection system for the low cost of one soul.

So you can either "panic" about the exploding computers and undermine our good American way of life, or you can stop whining and buy the damn body armor.

People are so dumb. I'm disgusted. Get this camera out of my face. You talk to these people Jim. I can't deal.

Sure thing Scott.

That was a fascinating story, wasn't it? Now let's move on to our government report, made possible by the campaign finance system.

Remember, if it changes campaign finance, it sucks.

What's up, Jim. You the man. Kim Paine here reporting from the pocket of the Bigger Business Bureau.

The government today issued a warning to all Americans about the dangers of voting and involvement in local affairs.

At the same time, officials announced plans to build the new solid gold Crest Coliseum in the Audubon Wetlands.

The project will be financed by sweatshop labor from orphanages. That'll teach those smelly kids to ask for more.

The government also issued a health report in conjunction with Crest finding that thinking about campaign finance reform can cause all your teeth to fall out.

That's all Jim, take it away.

Thanks, Kim.

Unfortunately, we must interrupt this program for a commercial break. But stay tuned for more news you can use. Baratunde R. Thurston '99 is a philosophy concentrator in Lowell House. His column will resume during reading period.