HOW TO: CARE FOR YOUR PRE-FROSH

STEP 1

First thing to consider when getting a pre-frosh is whether of not he/she is housebroken. When entering a vastly different environment, many pre-frosh will become confused and have accidents all over the place. Here is a time-worn technique for remedying the problem: Place a roll of toilet paper in the area where your pre-frosh first decides to do their business. Each day, move the roll closer to the common bathroom down the hall. Your pre-frosh should be able to find his/her own way within a week.

STEP 2

Some people will tell you that it doesn't matter what you feed your pre-frosh. Not true! The proper nutrition and food texture is vital in maintaining your pre-frosh's natural sheen and sharp teeth. Beware of the dining hall's buffet-style setup, however. Pre-frosh tend to overeat when faced with such overabundance. Remember: You should be able to just make out your pre-frosh's ribs when they are in a resting state.

STEP 3

Bring your pre-frosh to section as soon as possible. Here he/she will learn to listen to authority. He/she will also learn various tricks: shaking hands, begging and balancing problem sets on their nose before swallowing them whole. Whether you want to teach your pre-frosh to refrain from sniffing your crotch is entirely up to you.

STEP 4

The time may come when you will have to put your pre-frosh to sleep. This decision Will almost certainly make you the most unpopular person in your blocking group. Explain to the more mature blockmates that your pre-frosh is in a lot of pain and that it will be for the best. Younger ones may have to be told that the pre-frosh is "going away" and "will be back in September" until they are ready to hear the truth.