Y2K Compliant Conception

The deadline has passed, your chances are gone, and you won't have another similar opportunity for, literally, another thousand years. Because if you were planning on giving birth to a "Millennium Baby," one born on Jan. 1, 2000, then you are sadly already almost two weeks late. Doctors and statisticians calculated April 9 as the coveted date to conceive a child that would be born on New Year's Day, 2000. Besides, demented couples have been practicing new positions and hopeful mothers have been monitoring their menstrual cycles and popping prenatal vitamins for months. You've got no chance.

And while radio stations and glamorous hotels of course bought into the "Millennium Baby" frenzy by sponsoring romantic excursions, you've got to think about that poor kid. Because their lives are going to make "The Truman Show" look like a cakewalk. In fact, the first baby of the new millennium probably will have a camera following them around to document their life--after the obvious success of "The Truman Show," it's practically a given. In fact, I am surprised that that simply charming couple from San Diego hadn't already lined up a production team. What San Diego couple, you ask? Why, the very one that had originally intended to visit the island nation of Kiribati, conveniently located near the international date line, so the wife could receive a Caesarian section once the clock struck midnight, of course. Yeah, aren't you a sucker you didn't think of that one first.

And then, of course, these deranged parents are going to subject their child to even more torture by probably naming their kid Millie, Miles, or Mills. My heart goes out to the poor souls, once again. But the worst is going to be celebrating "Millie's" birthday. Instead of looking forward to a Big Bird cake and Bozo the Clown, each birthday will be a painful reminder that the child was conceived not in an act of love or in the heat of the moment, but as part of a world-wide gimmick and the parents' pathetic efforts to make their mark in the history books.

This is a disgrace and a disgusting abuse of both our childbearing capabilities and our scientific advancements. The scientists and parents are not the only ones in on this perverted millennium action--there is money to be made by entrepreneurs as well. In just two months, a San Francisco company named Baby Center has sold almost 1,000 "Millennium Conception Kits." At $49.99 a pop, couples receive ovulation detection tests, pregnancy tests and massage oils.

But even if you missed out on this year's April 9 fertilization date, never you fear: the whole 2000 thing is just a farce anyway. Everyone knows that the third millennium doesn't really begin until Jan. 1, 2001. So don't be disheartened--there's still fortune and fame for you out there after all. JORDANA R. LEWIS