Reacting to a Friend's Disorder

Unfortunately, there is no clear-cut 12-step program outlining the proper response to a friend with an eating disorder. Although friends must tailor their response based on individual relationships, below are some guidelines for friends, lovers, roommates and relatives of people with eating disorders. These guidelines are based on the advice of Sheila M. Reindl and M. Suzanne Repetto of the Bureau of Study Counsel and are available in more detail at the ECHO office in the Old Quincy Basement, F entryway.

1. The first thing to remember is that an eating disorder is not a problem, but only an attempted solution to a problem. An eating disorder is an effort to cope and communicate.

2. Remember that you are not responsible for something over which you have no power. You should, however, recognize the things you have power to do--such as helping a friend. You have the power to express an authentic response to your friend with an eating disorder.

3. When expressing your concern for your friend, be sure to speak from your own experiences with the subject rather than with assumptions. Be sure to use the word "I" instead of the word "you." For example, instead of saying, "You are too thin," opt for "I think you are out of control" or "I am concerned."

4. Try not to focus on weight or eating when you talk with a friend who has an eating disorder. Be sure not to avoid the issue, but remember that a person with an eating disorder needs the people in her world to respond to more about her than just her weight and eating habits.

3. If you're feeling helpless, it is not necessarily a sign that you should be doing something more to help your friend. It is simply a sign that there is a real limit to what friends can do to change another person. Remember that you are never helpless in making an authentic response to someone.

4. Bear in mind that people with eating disorders yearn to know that someone could both know the worst about them and love them and care about them anyway. Remember that human company and empathy matter and that hurt and pain are often more bearable in the company of another human being.

5. Get support for yourself--through a friend, counselor, or a support group. Find someone or someplace where you can talk openly and receive support from others.