COMPUTER ALTERNATIVES

Midterms. Mid-semester research papers. The senior thesis. That time of year at or around spring break when everything seems to come crashing down at once. Just imagine if your computer crashed too. No, it's not the Y2K bug, but it's just as sinister. On March 31, Harvard's license with Microsoft to distribute multiple copies of Microsoft software expires. That means that anyone who's ever installed Microsoft Office from the network will be coming back from Spring Break tanned, rested and ready to rock--but horrified to find that they are no longer able to even open previously saved files on their own computer. Diabolical. Will Microsoft offer a student discount for their software suite? No. Will Harvard provide an alternative set of office tools? No. FM to the rescue.

WORK IN THE HOUSE LABS.

At the very least, Harvard retains its license to install single copies of software, which means that lab computers will still have the latest programs. Time to break out your 31/2 floppies and head on over to the House computer lab, usually the dankest, darkest and coldest part of the building. Tolerate the odd smell just long enough to surmise that half the PCs are dead and the printer is out of paper.

HIT THE SCIENCE CENTER.

Sterile and deafeningly quiet, the Science Center terminal rooms offer everything from ancient Macs that still require a paper clip to extract your floppy disk, to the Digital Alpha workstations with their gargantuan monitors. A word to the wise: don't check your e-mail on these mothers the night before CS51 assignments are due. Office isn't installed on those bad boys anyway. Stroll on over to the back of the lab, and try to find a computer that isn't either occupied or "logging out." If you're lucky, you might get to actually enter your username and password before someone kicks you off because they have to use the scanner.

PURCHASE NEW SOFTWARE.

$600 for Microsoft Office--sure it's the best, sure you already know how to use it, but do you really want to line Big Bill's pockets for a thesaurus that replaces "unable to follow directions" with "unable to get an erection."

$479 for Corel WordPerfect Suite--it will convert your files from Word format, but the learning curve for new software is not trivial. Plus there's probably a reason why no one's used it since pre-Windows 3.1.

$139 For Lotus SmartSuite--a workable alternative at a reasonable price. It's even integrated with voice recognition software for the RSI-stricken. Just don't come crying to 14 Plympton St. when that response paper isn't quite two pages long and you want to widen the margins to an inch and a quarter.

THE HOMEGROWN METHOD.

Break out the college-ruled notebook paper and a number two pencil. Try to emulate twelve point Times New Roman. Bold, italic, cut and paste...all the functionality of a real word processor. You can even buy a supply of paper clips to talk to when you need help. Can't find a pencil sharpener? Jab yourself with a sharp stick and write that Sophomore essay in your own blood. Looks like Microsoft is going to bleed you dry eventually anyway.