How to Help an International Drug Cartel in Three Easy Steps

Hi! My name is Phillip Sachs, and I am a figment of Baratunde's imagination. A 1997 graduate of Harvard College, I am now in my second year as an analyst for the international global strategy global management global consulting firm McBane and Company.

I have been asked to give you folks a description of one case at McBane, a company that serves global corporations by helping them solve their most fundamental global business problems. The word of the day is global. Remember that, or I'll black-list you and close your dad's plant down.

I began the case on a Monday morning. After cooking myself a breakfast of solar-heated chickwiches in my $2,000 studio apartment--a cardboard box under the Brooklyn Bridge--I donned my bullet-proof vest for entry into the Manhattan office.

I knew this next assignment was special because the Firm's regional director was in the office. He only comes in when we play limousine tag in The Village.

Chip (he likes us to call him that)was personally overseeing this case, and I was the lead analyst. The client: a global pharmaceutical company based in Kyrgyzstan.

Never heard of Kyrgyzstan? Me neither. That's part of the fun of working for an international global strategy global management global consulting firm.

I would be sent on a fact-finding mission immediately, the objectives of which were to determine the company's most pressing global issues and possible global solutions.

Due to the extremely confidential nature of the global company's business,. I would have to take an abnormal global path to the site. That evening I boarded a flight out of New York and landed in Algeria. From there I boarded a "missing" Russian nuclear submarine which got me across the Mediterranean.

The next tough transition was crossing Iraq. I was shot down twice over the stupid no-fly zone! I finally arrived in Kyrgyzstan only to realize I did not speak Kyrgyzstani. No problem. The client had an escort waiting for me at the port, and he spoke flawless pig Latin, the global language of choice for consultants.

When he had completed what seemed like a sweep of my body with a metal detector, we got into his camouflage hummer and headed into the jungle.

We traversed the minefields and laser trip beams, and four armored checkpoints later we had arrived at the global corporate headquaters of the Kyrgyzstan Drug Cartel (KDC), a global pharmaceutical company.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Drugs? How horrible!" But if you open that can of judgmental worms, where do you draw the line, people? how about gun manufacturers? Cigarette companies? Chocolate factories? They all kill people, man.

Look, it is not our place to judge the morality of our clients. International drug cartels have just as much of a right to our services as the next company.

Besides, how do you think we can afford all those signing bonuses? With sound investing? Yeah right. It's all about the angel dust, baby.

I was immediately introduced to the CEO, Paco Noriega, who briefed me on the company's concerns and provided me with binders of documentation and ledgers. It seemed that KDC had two big problems.

First, it suffered from a serious inefficiency problem in its supply chain. According to my investigation, nearly one in three shipments which left KDC's fields was confiscated by one government agency or another.

Second, it was losing ground in the public relations war on drugs in the US, its most lucrative market. Apparently, its "Crack, It Does A Body Good" campaign was failing miserably in competition with the ruthless dairy racket.

I interviewed several employees at KDC, from its growers in the field to the sweatshop where the product is refined to its Washington lobbyist, and came up with the following two recommendations.

The first thing the KDC should do is develop strategic global partnerships. It was clear that it could not go at this thing alone, and faced stiff competition from the more mature Cali Drug Cartel. I put Paco in touch with a friend at the Central Intelligence Agency who was looking for an eastern European connection.

The second method of attack I suggested was a new marketing approach that would build support among the people who cause much of the high costs for KDC: politicians. With a concerted campaign financing initiative, these destroyers of the free market would see the error of their ways.

The third recommendation was new product development. While illicit drugs were a good start, with the captive consumer base KDC could exploit its position further. By adopting the "Vice is Lord" motto, the company would be prepared to enter the 21st century with a suite of offerings, from arms sales to a global brothel network.

Six months later I re-entered the U.S. via the Canadian border, and today I'm proud to say that the work I did on the KDC case has made a substantive difference to the company.

KDC is now a global market leader in the vice industry, and I feel good knowing that my work was influential in getting them there.

And that's just one case! In the past year I've helped a Central American dictator develop a new training program for his secret police and advised Harvard final clubs on more effective womanizing techniques.

If you are looking for a dynamic, stimulating environment with global opportunities, consider international global strategy global management global consulting.

Baratunde R. Thurston '99 is a philosophy concentrator in Lowell House. His column will appear on alternate Tuesday.