Goin' Bohlen: Mindless Drivel for Your Holiday Fun

I'll admit it right here--this column is filler.

I just turned in my fourth paper in a week-and-a-half and blah, blah, blah...you know what I mean and you probably have had it worse.

But, if you bear with me, it'll probably be fun filler, a nice column to read on the airplane while you wait for the lady with the 10 carry-ons to cram them into the overhead compartment, the exit row aisle and the beverage cart. You can wave your copy of The Crimson around so that everyone knows you go to Harvard, just in case your Coop sweatshirt doesn't give it away.

So, without further ado, here we go:

These are the 21 things I would like for Christmas.

Okay, so right away, I admit I'm beginning with an idea that has been overused more than the funds in the Driskell-Burton election campaign.

Bryan Lee '00, the outgoing sports editor here at The Crimson, wrote one of these last year. Basically, I'm just copying from him, although he is just the last person in a long paper trail, so I'm probably safe. Besides, I cited Bryan, so that's good enough. Also, Bryan's list was only 10 items long and mine's going to be 21.

Okay, now I'm really going to begin.

1. I want Pete Rose to shut up. How far can the man go on the I'm-banned-from-baseball-woe-is-me train? Far enough to get to QVC, where he is hawking autographs for $49.95 a pop. Dealer, please cut him off.

2. I want Jim Gray put on a pedestal. He did nothing wrong in his interview with Rose during the World Series. He's a journalist. It's his job to ask questions.

3. It'd be nice for people to stop saying that the Cleveland Browns' Orlando Brown had cause to attack a referee for throwing a flag in his eye in Sunday's game. I mean, Orlando, so what if he threw a flag in your eye. Big deal. You and your Browns get worse beatings from your opponents every Sunday.

4. I'd like my beloved Packers to make the playoffs. And a win or two would also be nice.

5. I'd like the Bulls to dump general manager Jerry Krause. The man is still riding on his Michael Jordan-finding fame, except someone forgot to tell him that it gave out a long time ago when he drafted Stacey King in the first round. 6. I want Carolina Panthers wide receiver Rae Carruth in jail. The man is a danger to society, allegedly conspiring in the death of his pregnant girlfriend. It looks like this may be one wish I've already been granted.

7. I'd like hockey teams to move back to Canada. I'm not advocating the extradition for all of them, mind you, just the ones that are in places like Nashville, Raleigh, Atlanta and Phoenix.

8. I'd like Ken Griffey Jr. to stay in Seattle. Not enough baseball players spend their careers in the same place. I mean, Roger Clemens will probably be in the Hall of Fame in a New York Yankees cap. How'd that happen?

9. If Griffey doesn't stay in Seattle, it'd be nice for him to come to St. Louis. Although I'm a self-interested Cardinal fan, how cool would it to have Griffey and Mark McGwire in the same lineup?

10. I'd like Allen Iverson to pass the ball on occasion. He's a point guard who averages under five assists per game. The Philadelphia 76ers guard needs to point more at his teammates and less at the basket.

11. I'd like Phoenix Suns forward Tom Gugliotta to get healthy. He suffered a seizure last week and has been sitting out the last few games. He's a good player, one of the most underrated in the NBA, but more importantly, I just hope for his health.

12. I want Danny Ainge to have a good holiday season with his family. The former Suns coach and one-time Toronto Blue Jays prospect quit coaching basketball to spend time with his wife and kids. There need to be more people like him who understand their priorities.

13. Thankfully, there is another one. I want Yankee reliever Mariano Rivera to enjoy his life after baseball. The star hurler announced that he will only play a few more years before devoting his life to God. Now if only people like Carruth could find something to believe in.

14. I'd like Dick Vitale to shut up for just one minute. It's December and I'm already tired of hearing about "Diaper Dandies."

15. I want Virginia Tech to beat Florida State in the Sugar Bowl on Jan. 4. It'd be nice for the Hokies to finally get some respect. And for the Seminoles to lose some.

16. I'd like Florida State's Peter Warrick to get an extra helping of perspective. The law shouldn't take a back seat to football.

17. I want that woman sitting in the seat next to you to quit trying to read over your shoulder. I'm just trying to help you out.

18. I'd like to see Salt Lake City get its act together for the 2002 Winter Olympic Games. It seems like the folks there are on the right track, having gotten rid of the side perks. Members of the organizing committee even have to bring their own lunches to meetings.

19. I want ESPN's greatest athlete of the century to be Muhammad Ali, followed by Jordan as a close second. Babe Ruth should be third and Jim Brown fourth. Those athletes have been announced as their final four. I would have maybe had Wayne Gretsky or Jesse Owens ahead of Brown, but hey, they're all great.

20. I want Casey Martin to have a productive year on the PGA Tour with the use of his golf cart. As I've said in "Justice" section, I'm for substantive equality of opportunity.

21. I'd like world peace. It doesn't hurt to ask.

There you go. That wasn't so bad now, was it? Actually, you don't have to answer that. Anyway, have a safe break.