Fifteen Minutes: Dear Dr. Know

Dear Dr. Know,

I have no plans for New Years. Any suggestions?

Pathetic Pats

Dear Pathetic,

Dr. Know has had it with all the Y2K jabberjabber. Any right-minded party girl will stick close to home wrapped in Pashima, aggressively exfoliating for the following night--the ultimate, global-disaster-safe date for a post-modern throw down.

Dr. K plans on spending the night with her good friend--and the proverbial Head T.F. of WASP fashion--Lilly Pulitzer. She'll promises to bring a few of her new canvas shoes for Dr. Know to sample. Dr. K will bring the Nebuchadnezzar of Champagne--that's 12 liters, hon.

Prescription for the Harvard children: Vodka and orange juice, peanut M & Ms and 150 pages of sourcebook reading. When the bell tolls, kiss the dog, it's reading period.

Dr. K:

I work at a Harvard student publication and I really sweat my co-worker. One minute she's nice to me, the next she blows me off. I've even asked her out a few times but she just just disses me. What's up with that?

Dissed Don

Dear Dissed:

Never sweat-perspire. Dr. Know has a feeling you're up against what we call an "Ice Queen." Have faith dear heart and try, try again. Dr. Know's Ice Queen Defrost protocol follow:

1) Take the I.Q. away from all friends and onlookers.

2) Feed the I.Q. a donut.

3) Play nice. If applicable, complement her on her snob knob hairdo.

3) Thaw in microwave (two minutes on high power).

Dear Dr. Know,

I've got a really bad habit of calling the phone numbers I find written on toilet stall walls. I swear I only call Harvard numbers. (I figure these people are pre-screened by the admissions committee). Should I stop? Is this tacky Dr. Kay?

Water Closet Wendy

Dear Water,

Dirty birdie you've got a winning number. What a creative way to meet people in the library! Feel no shame! Should Dr. K assume that you're sneaking into the boy's room to take down the digits? Perhaps you're collecting girl numbers-either way Dr. Kay says: Take all you want but never leave your own. But for the sake of Harvard property, encourage your graffiti personals community to scribble the naughty notes on toilet tissue or the hygienic seat paper. Happy hunting.

Dr. Know:

I'm a self-described literary genius. On campus, well-written analysis and my name and flow together like peanut butter and jelly. I am very smart, respected but, alack, it's lonely at the top. My intellect is unmatched, unrivaled. Where are my peers, my challengers?!

Daniel B. Snob

Dear Snob,

Doctor Know is very happy to hear that your self-confidence is tippy tops. But why hoard all the bookish brains for yourself? Spread your peanut butter and jelly around and teach the children to follow. They will grow and flourish under your mentoring.