Fifteen Minutes: How To: Stuff the Bird

For daughter-in-laws and would-be chefs everywhere, Thanksgiving can be the most stressful time of year. What with planning a holiday menu around Cousin Aldo's fatal allergy to starch and the ever-present danger of getting your hand stuck in the turkey, the coming weeks present a minefield of social embarrassment and culinary disaster. Hopefully, FM's guide to stuffing a turkey will save both life and limb.

Some people say that the best way to prepare stuffing is to do it separately, on the stove top or in a casserole dish. These people claim that it "saves time" and that it "reduces the risk of foodborne illness."

These people are cowards. The best and only way to make stuffing is to roast it in the body cavity of a long-dead animal. As for those "Stove Top Stuffing" commercials recommending TWO "Stove Top" dinners in ONE night, FM can only say that gluttony is the mark of the devil.

Stuff the turkey rather loosely - the stuffing will expand while it cooks. As a general rule, use roughly 3/4 cup of stuffing for every pound of turkey. While you insert your well-manicured hand into the turkey's nether-region, ask yourself the following: Isn't it ironic that I'm filling this cavity with what looks like partially digested food? Does anyone actually like the look or taste of stuffing or do we eat it because of tradition? Do Native Americans even celebrate this holiday?

As a finishing touch, close off the openings of the body and neck cavities to hold the stuffing inside. While string is perfectly sufficient, some pre-meds may prefer the more antiseptic suture method. Give the turkey 10 cc's of gravy and stick it in the oven for observation - you've got a pumpkin pie with multiple puncture wounds standing by. --rich d. ma

Illustrations: linas m. alsinas