SPENDING THE DOUGH

Considering that the University is about $112 million under its endowment spending limit for this year, Dartboard has five recommendations for how it can use the money to enhance each student's Harvard experience:

1. Make sure the butter and margarine containers are clearly labeled in each dining hall. Dartboard has difficulty telling the difference between the two by sight, and the University's negligence on this matter has sacrificed the productive lives of too many innocent pieces of toast.

2. Give some of the money to the Undergraduate Council so it can hire a better band for Springfest. This year's top choice, Sister Hazel, is a one-hit wonder--we have to wonder how their one song has done so well.

3. Create a tenured position for "Macho Man" Randy Savage so Harvard can establish itself at the forefront in the burgeoning field of professional wrestling studies. Tenuring the Macho man could help entice wrestlers such as "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan and Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake.

4. Pay Genzyme to construct a climate-controlled dome which will cover all areas within a five-mile radius of the yard. If we can land a man on the moon, how hard could it be to build a structure encompassing 415,000 square feet?

5. Distribute the money equitably to all students, provided they spend the money on a Harvard Student Agencies-sponsored "Make your own rap video contest."