CHRISTMAS BONANZA

It would be a mistake to purchase any of Windham Hill's Christmas '98 releases. Chances are you'll be sick of them even before you get home and start baking cookies. Too vacuous for real listening, this music is designed to neutralize the frantic tenor of the holiday mall--and that's where you'll hear it. Don't waste your money--if you desire Windham Hill, go buy something else. For those wishing to simulate external shopping conditions while picking parcels off the web, a few words of caution:

Celtic Chrismas IV: These days "Celtic" is synonymous with "muzak." It's unclear who purchases things Celtic, or why they're motivated to do so, but if you're tempted to send CCIV to your grandmother in Dublin, think again. Real traditional music from Celtic countries is as gritty and hard driving as good indie rock. It's best consumed live and kicking with a nice Guinness marinade. CCIV might be a hit with your Tuscon aunt who leads the self-realization workshop, but if your intended recipient is in Boston, go to The Burren and buy her a pint instead (live traditional music every night 10 p.m.).

A Jazz Christmas: Windham Hill has the removal of soul down cold. A Jazz Christmas is essentially a bunch of Christmas carols played on jazz instruments by instrumentalists whose creativity is maxed out by the slightest deviation from 4/4. Don't buy it for your dad unless you wish to inspire an epileptic seizure by conjuring up piped-in office music from the pre-holiday rush. Better Jazz picks include Vince Guaraldi's A Charlie Brown Christmas and Wynton Marsalis in A Carnegie Hall Christmas Concert.

Windham Hill-A Winter Solstice Reunion: The only genre Windham Hill does well is the genre they invente--though to appreciate it you must have a taste for musical Cheez-Whiz. This is music for people who telecommute from their office in Western Mass. and spend all their time drinking chamomile tea while sitting on their windowseat wearing slippers and heather-grey leggings while blinking into the snowflakes. Better synthetic picks include The Manaheim Steamroller Christmas Album, and A Fresh Aire Christmas-from the guys who invented New Age and are the wellspring of all Christmas muzak. Polyester blends are out, though, and we recommend a return to your roots with John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. Beats Windham Hill.