Party 'Til The Cows Come Home

In a world full of graduation requirements and thesis work, in a time of Add/Drop forms, core lotteries and 9 am sections, what undergrad hasn't desired to just get away to someplace--any place. A magical place. A place with SoSo Whaley and the Literary Llama Zoo Mobile. A place filled with celebrities, like Herb Reed and the Platters, 1998 American Honey Princess Sarah Paulson, and "Gary the Silent Clown." A place where adolescent girls lead their miniature horses through miniature obstacles, where pygmy goats get equal billing with Canadian-style oxen-pulling (a 12 foot, 3,000 pound free-for-all), and where a Coors Belgium 6-Horse Hitch isn't just some bizarre finals club ritual.

It's all happening at the Topsfield Fair in Topsfield, Mass., less than an hour away. The Topsfield fairgrounds sit right off of Rt. 1 North and house "America's Oldest" fair, founded in 1818. Beginning last Saturday and running through October 12th, the fair awaits visitors to take advantage of its attractions for only a $6 admission price. Why crawl your way to the top of the academic world when a money prize awaits you at the top of a greased pole? From carnival games to animal exhibits, Topsfield receives a 4.7 out of possible 5 points for originality. (A large minority also felt that the readings were well integrated with the lecture material.) Here is a smattering of the fair's attractions:

Featured near the edge of the park is "Porky" the Giant Pig, undoubtedly the star of the Topsfields fair. For a mere 50 cents, the curious can gain access to Porky's trailer and sneak a glimpse of one of New England's greatest treasures. Eight feet long in length and standing four feet high, this majestic beast is "still growing" and has the potential to provide "sausage for a thousand." With Porky now unable to stand under his own weight, one wonders how many more opportunities there will be to witness such a spectacle.

At the center of the free petting zoo resides Topsfield's tallest inhabitant: "Dickie" the giraffe. Towering over amazed onlookers, Dickie lowers his regal head only to snatch the occasional apple from the hand of a delighted child. Confined to his cozy cage, Dickie is "well-treated and happy in his environment".

Elephant or camel, elephant or camel--that's the sort of tough decision today's kid has to make. The Topsfield fair offers not one but two species of animal to take for a ride. Up to five children can ride on the powerful elephant as it lumbers within the small enclosure, an idyllic joyride on one of nature's gentle giants. Outside of this peaceful scene, however, concerned parents trade stories of elephant ride horrors. "I heard that this elephant went nuts and bit its trainer in the mouth," an excited mother says to a friend, "Then it knocked the trainer over and stomped on his chest. I also heard that it threw a kid off its back once."

Perhaps the most familiar and appealing of Topsfield's many attractions is the Midway, a section of the festival devoted to tests of skill and strength. If the soundtrack to Mortal Kombat blaring in the background doesn't inspire you to play your best Whack-A-Mole, perhaps the exciting prospect of winning the enormous Tweety Bird hanging over your head will. Whether it's shooting a water gun into a clown's mouth or maneuvering a mechanical claw over a bounty of stuffed animals, these games are nearly as addicting as they are difficult. With crafty vendors eager to lure you into "just one more game", the cautious funseeker needs to keep one hand on the mallet or safety pistol and one hand firmly on their wallet.

Topsfield even retains an old carnival standby: Dunk the Clown. Hit a cantaloupe-sized target with a tennis ball from roughly 50 feet away, and watch the obnoxious clown tumble into a tub of murky water. Miss all five shots, and bear the merciless taunting of the clown. "You sissy!" he will say. "Did you play with dolls while all of your friends were out playing baseball?" Attempts to bean the clown directly in his cruel, cruel mouth are foiled by a protective net. He sneers, baring his teeth in a direct challenge. You cry and run away.

In the center of a barn devoted entirely to prize-winning vegetables, New England's largest pumpkin is displayed in a glass-enclosed, air-conditioned case. Weighing in at over 920 pounds, the monstrous vegetable looms over astounded observers. "Golly" cries one man in overalls. The crowd murmurs its agreement. Golly.

One is struck by the number of commercial vendors peddling their wares at the fair. Alongside the portable hot tubs and incredible vacuum mops (as seen on TV), lies the Miracle Blade 2,000. Slicing tomatoes at an alarming rate, the salesman counts off the numerous features of this precision cutlery. Unimpressed? Stare in wonder as he begins sawing away at a steel hammer with the "knife that never needs sharpening". Buy one receive four free steak knives, all conveniently packaged in plastic.

Probably the most standard installment at the fair is its wide assortment of ordinary amusement park rides. From the Ferris Wheel to the Tilt-a-Whirl, anyone willing to shell out 75 cents for a ticket can have their 75 seconds of joy. Unless, of course, you are a pregnant woman with a heart condition or stand under 48 inches tall.

Perhaps the only downside to Topsfield is the questionable cuisine. While the burly man on your right screaming "get your giant Italian sausage right here" might get your motor running, he stops your appetite dead cold. The sight of various meats festering in their own juices is more than enough to send those with weak stomachs to the food stand sponsored by the local congregational church, where lighter fare such as peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and corn on the cob can be had. On a brighter note, the cotton candy and fried dough rival the food at Six Flags amusements parks' in their quality.