an open letter to the college

Dear Sirs and Madams,

I would like to thank you for standing firm against the free-loving, drug-dealing hippies who wish to create universal keycard access in all the undergraduate Houses. I know you have taken taken heat from those who see no reason why a safe, sober Eliot House resident would become a menace to society upon entering, say, Mather. But I know why you have stood by your principles. I have walked through the halls of other Houses and seen their denizens-particularly that squinty-eyed guy in New Quincy--and thought to myself countless times Thank God those people can't get into Dunster. Frankly, I look around at the Company of Educated Men and Women, and then I check to see if my wallet is still there.

But, sirs and madams, you haven't gone far enough. By your logic, I myself am a dangerous element in all first-year dorms, the other 11 Houses and the Dudley Co-op, barred from entry out of your desire to make sure my fellow students are safe. Last year, before I transferred out of the Quad, that meant I was classified a dangerous element to students in Dunster House. But since I'm still the same person, as a new Dunster resident it follows that I am now a danger to myself. It's time to take action.

I want a keycard reader on the door to my room, just to keep myself honest. Otherwise, someday. I'll come home to find my laptop missing, and then discover it weeks later under my bed, stripped down and its parts sold for Crimson Cash. Inside the room, I want a Harvard-installed detector on my closet that slams the door on my head if I try to pick out shorts for myself when it's sunny and 12 degrees outside. Or stripes and plaids together. Or a black belt and brown shoes. Come to think of it, maybe you should take this loaded gun out of my hands and pick out my outfits for me.

Some of the hippies will call this paternalistic, saying that implicit in the offer of admission to Harvard is a trust that the admitted student is smart enough to make their own fashion decisions. Just like now: they say anyone whom you trust to lead America into the next century should be trusted to lead themselves through Currier House without committing a spontaneous felony. I say to these people, tell that to the 25 upperclass students mugged in their own rooms every year by cash-strapped a cappella groups that have turned to banditry. Think what would happen if we gave these criminals a key to every campus dorm: that's not freedom, it's anarchy. The same kind of explosion is brewing in my own closet: the other day I was thinking how nice it would be to have fleece pants. Step in and save me.

In addition, I have noticed this year that I am fond of "reading" for my classes with the TV on and muted. That way, whenever something interesting comes on the screen (like a touchdown or the opening credits of JAG), I can turn the sound on and put the book down. It is because of this nasty habit that I need you to tune my television set to the Science Center network: 24 hours a day of high-level physics lectures on tape, with videos of baboons copulating during prime time and Tom Synder on at 12:30 a.m. (the lowest-rated of SCTV's programs). Again, some would ask why I need to have this done for me-why, as a Harvard student, I can't just push the 'off' button even when Suddenly Susan is on. Fools. As if having the self-control to make it to and through this academic furnace meant I had the willpower to do something as important as turn off the television. You might as well trust me enough to walk into Quincy without stealing any furniture from the JCR.

And one more thing. I have heard this scenario as a justification for your refusal to allow universal access: a Leverett House student is being chased across campus by a calculator-brandishing Kirkland premed whose chemistry lab report she just jumped dumped Powerade on. The Leverett student hurriedly swipes into her building and slams the door behind her, safe. A success story for keycard balkanization, right? Not quite. Is she really a Leverett resident? How do you know she didn't just transfer there because it was easier to steal bikes from the racks outside that particular House? Maybe letting her in is just the beginning of your problems.

Anyway, we've come a long way Harvard--it wasn't long ago that the College blithely took pride in its students, and now it can matter-of-factly state that letting all of these students into each other's dorms is a proposition too dangerous to risk. But you haven't come far enough yet. As they say on TV, "Trust no one, not even the 6400 students you handpicked and now bear sole responsibility for educating, feeding and molding into mature and crime-free human beings." Thanks for you time.

Yours,

David A. Fahrenthold