LISTINGS

Been spending more time catching up on "The Real World Seattle" than on your thesis? Don't sweat it. Joan Bolkner will be giving a lecture entitled "Writing Your Dissertation in 15 Minutes a Day" tonight at the Coop. If only she had some info on "Convincing the Coop That You Really Need That Core Science Book Sometime Before Midterms." 5 p.m., The Harvard Cooperative Society, Harvard Square, 499-2000. FREE.

Stockholm, 1963. Two masters of freedom playing at a time before their art was corrupted by thousands of cocktail lounge performers, destroying the legacy of "The Only American Art Form"--jazz. Well, at least according to the nanny in Jerry Maguire. Check out the man behind the music tonight at the John Coltrane Tribute at Northeastern University. 7:30 p.m., Blackman Auditorium, 360 Huntington Ave., 373-2247. $15 to 25.

Have a fetish for southern accents, slutty women, and dysfunctional relationships? Check out Tennessee William's classic, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. (Despite the seemingly misleading title, no live animals of any sort were subjected to torture for this production.) 8 p.m., Actors Playhouse, Notre Dame Education Center, 50 W. Broadway, South Boston. $10 for students.

Midterms got you stressed? Any interest in finding out exactly how stressed? Get your blood pressure checked by a UHS nurse today. Noon to 2 p.m., UHS Pharmacy, Holyoke Center Arcade. 495-9629. FREE.

Wear all black for a reason other than looking as pretentious as you sound. Join in the National day of Protest to "stop police brutality, repression and the criminalization of a generation." 4:30 p.m., Park Street, Boston, 492-5443. FREE.

Take me to your section leader. If grad students have always seemed like aliens to you, but you still wanted concrete proof, join them as they watch cinema dealing with their own kind. The Dudley House Film series continues tonight as the classic 1950s sci-fi movies Forbidden Planet and The Day the Earth Stood Still play on a big-screen TV. Forbidden Planet, 6 p.m; The Day the Earth Stood Still, 8 p.m., Lehman Hall, Graduate Student Lounge. FREE.

FRIDAY 23 OCTOBER

Couldn't push your way into last weeks jam-packed OTI performance? Satisfy your comedy craving and drop by the Improv Asylum. 8 and 10 p.m, Tonight and tomorrow, 216 Hanover St., 263-6887. $10.

Orgazmo, yet another scandalously juvenile Trey Parker flick, opens tonight. Let Trey molest your virgin eyes as the last action hero in a condom suit. Or not. It's NC-17, by the way. Sorry, cradle robbers, you'll have to leave high-schooly dates from Rindge and Latin at home. Kendall Square Cinema, 494-9800. $7.50 general.

The Callbacks are kicking off their concert season with "Temptation," and audial titillation is the name of the game. Protecting Harvard from the scum of the tone-deaf, these Men and Women in Black (MWIB) make a cappella look goooood. 8 p.m., Sanders Theatre, $6 students, $8 general.

Classical music connoisseurs, get down and Baroque with the Bach Society. Appreciate the torrential strains of Stravinksy's "The Soldier's Tale," Prokofiev's "Classical Symphony" and Beethoven's Symphony #3, "Eroica." 8 to 10 p.m., Paine Hall. $5 students, $8 general.

Ad board! Scared yet? Maybe not, but you will be when the Phoenix Landing and Channel Zero present the Halloween Fright Night Video Show and tribute to the sultan of spook, Vincent Price. Halloween is coming a week early for a screening of Price's horror classic Theatre of Blood along with movie trailers, cartoons and an episode of "Lost in Space." 7 p.m., The Phoenix Landing Pub, 512 Mass. Ave. Free.

There's an easier way to scope out the fleshmen er freshman than by "auditing" Ec 10. Stop by the freshman musical, The Corn is Green, by Emlyn Williams. If you don't like what's on stage, you can still scope the audience. Holworthy middle is looking pretty hot this year. 7:30 p.m., the E.C. Agassiz Theatre, Radcliffe Yard, 10 Garden Street. 496-2222. $5 for students, $8 general admission.

Watching people in short, pink outfits falling on their asses is a highly underrated entertainment concept. Although the figure skaters in An Evening With Champions may try to avoid any spills, at least one triple axle is bound to go sour. Be there to see it and laugh. 8 p.m., Bright Hockey Arena. 493-8172. $20 for adults, $10 for undergrads, children and seniors.

SATURDAY 24 OCTOBER

Admit it, life just hasn't been the same since the Winnie made its final stop and "Road Rules Australia" went into reruns. Parlay your affection for reality based shows into a trip to the Science Center and catch a screening of The Truman Show. And don't worry: the majority of Crimson Key went into hiding after freshman week, so the only retarded comments will be coming form you date. 8 and 10 p.m. Friday and Saturday, Science Center B. $3.

It may be mid-term week, but Lamont is no place to spend Saturday night--unless you're scanning the facebooks in reserves. Quit making fun of your roommates unfortunate high school big bangs and head over to the Middle East. Relax to the tunes of Juliana Hatfield and replenish yourself for the hectic week ahead. Middle East, 472 Mass Ave., 492-9181. $10.

To get into a spine-tingling. ghoulish mood for Halloween, freak yourself out by going to Spooky World, America's Horror Theme Park. Four haunted houses, five Halloween Haunted Attractions, and (this is not a joke, we swear it) a 3D Disco Haunted House. It's a little shop of horrors, so good little boys and girls who sleep with a nightlight on might want to take a raincheck on this one. 7 p.m., 100 River Road, Berlin, (978) 838-0200. $17.50.

If gyrating your pelvis by a keg doesn't satisfy your dancing urges for the weekend, try some classier moves at the Harvard Ballroom Dance Team's Sixth Annual Beginner's Competition. Cut a rug with the fox trot, waltz, swing and cha cha. 3 p.m. to 9 p.m., Lowell Lecture Hall. 493-6024. $5 per person in advance, $7 per person at the door.

One of the only bands named for a brand of chewy, peanut-flavored sweets, the Squirrel Nut Zippers epitomize the ultralounge sound. Expect them to play some of their perennial favorites, like "Santa Claus is Smoking Reefer" and "St. Louis Cemetary Blues." With Chapel Hill roots, they are a college favorite. 7 p.m., The Roxy, 279 Tremont Street, Boston. 931-2000. $22.50.

If Dining Services' hearty meal of pork picatta, mushroom chicken and lo mein doesn't fill you up, try Food Glorious Food. Advertised as a cabaret event that will "whet your curiosity (and appetite)," The Will and Lil Show, with Joe Della Penna on piano, is serving up some classic culinary tunes. And the best part is you won't gain weight. 8 p.m., Cambridge Center for Adult Education, 56 Brattle Street. 547-6789. $10.

Still hungry like the wolf? The food theme continues as WFNX Leftover Lunch presents John Taylor Terroristen, formerly of Duran Duran. 9 p.m., Mama Kin Music Hall, 36 Lansdowne St., Boston, 536-2100. $10 in advance, $12 at the door. (21+)

SUNDAY 25 OCTOBER

For most people, Thanksgiving evokes memories of turkey, cranberries, football, and kindergarten Pilgrim plays. For a lot of us it also means dealing with oddball Uncle Bob and other assorted weird relatives. The A.R.T., inspired by this phenomena, presents The Marriage of Bette and Boo at the Hasty Pudding Theatre. With any luck, youll find a few characters at least a little odder than your parents. 8 p.m. Tuesday through Friday, 2 and 8 p.m.; Saturday, 2 and 7 p.m. Sunday, 2 p.m. Hasty Pudding Theatre, 10 Holyoke St., 547-8300. $25-35.

That colorful whistle from HUPD, although an undeniably hip fashion accessory, might not protect you all that well from any of the sketchy people in the Science Center computer lab at 2 a.m. Watch and learn as masters of self defense perform a Kung Fu demo. Soon you'll be kicking ass like the pros.

7:30 p.m., Brookline Tai Chi, 1615 Beacon Street (Green Line Washington Square Stop). 277-2975. FREE.

Yo mama is so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to take two trips. Yo mama is so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama is so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. Jokes like this may be off limits, but papas are fair game when Amazon Slam, an all-woman poetry slam kicks off tonight. The evening also includes comedy from Michele Balan and Diva Mama 7:30 p.m., Ryles, 212 Hampshire St., Inman Square, 628-0288, $10.

MONDAY 26 OCTOBER

Does the thought of 6 a.m. practices on a windy river excite you? Did watching Head of the Charles make you yearn to row? If you want to be in one of those tippy boats by this time next year, better go to Community Rowing. They can teach you the tricks of the trade and no prior experience is required. What are you waiting for? Put on some Patagonia gear and head over. Take the six week course they offer, and maybe you can join the team before the season ends. 10 Nonantum Rd., Newton, near the Newton Marriott (617) 782-9091.

Are most people so scared of touching you that the very idea of coming into contact with your body makes their skin crawl? Don't worry about it. Harvard Health and Fitness knows that entire populations are terrified of touching Harvard students. Licensed massage therapists offer their services once a week and they have to touch you. It's their job. Noon to 2 p.m., UHS, 2nd floor. 495-9629. $10 for 10 minutes.

On the "There is no way there is actually a lecture on this" scale, this would score off the charts. Tytti Soila of the Bunting Institute is speaking on "Modernity and Film-making: On the Work of Swedish Women Film Directors." If you don't believe this, go and see for yourself. 4 p.m. Bunting Institute, 34 Concord Ave. FREE.

TUESDAY 27 OCTOBER

Kick boxing, step aerobics and spinning went out with chunk heels and the Magic Hour. Perpetually en vogue Lowell House, however, provides the exercise class du jour. Learn to bend yourself into a Rold Gold at their weekly yoga class, but beware of the pose entitled "Down Dog." 5 p.m., Lowell House. FREE.

Why would anyone go to Worcester on a Tuesday night? The only good reason ever may be tonight. Take the opportunity to witness the ultimate British new wave band Depeche Mode. They're kicking off their first American tour since 1993 to celebrate the release of their double album retrospective "The Singles, 86-98." 7:30 p.m., Worcester Centrum Center, take Mass Pike (I-90) West, off Exit 10 at Auburn to I-290 East, off at Exit 16 East Central Street, turn left and follow signs. 931-2000. $28.50 and $42.50.

With a name like Seamus Heaney, it has to be good. Or something to that effect. Watch the man/poetry god read from his new book Opened Ground. 8 p.m., Science Center C, Harvard Yard. FREE.

WEDNESDAY 28 OCTOBER

Does your suite smell a little odd? Before you fly into a rage at your semiautistic roommate for peeing in the corners again, check to see if you've remembered to take out the Garbage. You stupid girl, how could you forget? Garbageis here, and they're trashing up the town with guest Girls Against Boys. 8 pm. doors, 9 p.m. show, Palladium.