ELECTION FOLLIES

Diminutive Texas billionaire and presidential candiate Ross Perot spent the week bitterly complaining about his exclusion from this year's series of presidential debates. He has filed a lawsuit against the Commission on Presidential Debates and is arguing that the commission is throttling free speech and reinforcing the dominance of a two-party system which is unresponsive to ordinary Americans. While Perot makes some good points, an even better argument for including him in the debates is simply that his presence would make them a more entertaining spectacle.

For example, when criticizing his opponents' budget proposals, the folksy Texan, astride the stepladder conveniently located behind his lectern, might squeal witty down-home aphorisms such as: "Now, you wouldn't build an outhouse like that, would you?" or "Everybody knows why a hound dog's afraid of fire ants, y'see."

Instead, the high points of the debates will probably be Bob Dole's tongue-tied gaffes. The far more articulate Bill Clinton is the obvious favorite in these contests. With his adoption of traditionally Republican positions such as kicking welfare recipients and immigrants while they're down, he'll easily dodge much of Dole's criticism. Hopefully, Clinton will also be able to bait the crusty ex-senator into losing his notorious temper. That could very well provide the Democrats with a soundbite (such as Dole's 1976 "Democrat wars" seething) that they can use to heap insult upon the injury that they have already inflicted on Dole's third (and thankfully, last) doomed crusade for the presidency.

Dole is running so far behind in the polls that pundits have begun to speculate on the Democrats' chances for retaking Congress. Dole is actually lucky to be given the opportunity to debate Clinton; after all, Perot was shut out because the Commission on Presidential Debates ruled that he had no "realistic chance" of winning the November election.

With only about a month until we once again must choose the lesser of two evils to govern us, the only scenarios for a Dole victory involve a massive calamity to the Clinton campaign; but the slick Comeback Kid from Hope seems almost immune to scandal. To date, the most exciting moment in Dole's campaign has been Dole's ungainly tumble off a stage two weeks ago. Dole has now retired to a Florida condo to rest and strategize, but he would be better off perusing the classifieds instead. That Leader of the Free World job that he's been after seems to be already filled.