If I Were...

I was going to title this column "If I Were Commissioner," or something similarly witty and arrogant, and go off on all the changes I would make to Major League Baseball if the owners got their acts together and elected a commissioner, namely me.

But then I got to thinking. Baseball has never had a real commissioner, at least not since Judge Landis back in the '20s and '30s. Every one, from Chandler to Ueberroth, has been a pawn of the owners, and the two since then are either deposed or no longer with us.

The fate of all future independent commissioners being thus sealed, I shall instead title this column, "If I were God."

Anyone who has glanced at the ERAs of the American League Cy Young hopefuls, or watched Dan Patrick recap the night's debacle in Coors Field, knows there is something wrong with the national pastime.

Ellis Burks leads the league in slugging percentage, Mark McGwire goes yard about every other game or so, and Albert Belle has a chance to become only the second player ever to record back-to-back 50-home run seasons. The first was Babe Ruth.

'Nuf said. For a sport that draws strength from its past, from a time-honored tradition of statistical norms, the current offensive blitzkrieg is nothing short of homicidal.

Baseball, of course, has other problems. The sport is gradually losing its youth to more accessible and exciting sports like basketball and football, and older fans have been turned off by constant bickering between owners and players.

If I were God--after solving all the rest of the world's problems (see World News section)--the first thing I would do is wipe out at least six teams from Major League Baseball.

Pittsburgh--you failed to sell out a playoff game. Houston--I'm still bitter about those horizontally-striped uniforms from the eighties. Seattle--you beat the Yankees too much. Milwaukee--you're just plain pathetic.

If I add to my hit list the two expansion teams due in 1998, we're down to 24 teams. I would love to remove more, but I don't want to irk anyone from Florida or Anaheim.

Bud Selig and his droogs keep complaining that small market teams are at a competitive disadvantage. Well if you can't take the heat, you know the rest.

After just one day of my iron-firsted regime, the pitching in baseball would be automatically improved. I would go even further by eliminating the designated hitter and pushing back the walls of such little league parks as Coors Field and Camden Yards.

My final move to swing the pendulum back to the pitcher would be to abolish the oft-misunderstood infield fly rule. I realize there are reasons why it's there, but if it were gone it would make the game that much more interesting, at times comically so. Think about it.

The banished teams would have their players auctioned off (I've got dibs on Alex Rodriguez and Ken Griffey Jr.), and the cities would receive franchises in a newly-created Quadruple-A minor league.

If I were God, I would spread the magic that is baseball across America by instituting a neutral sight program. The Mexicans could see Fernando, the Venezuelans could watch El Presidente, and Ron Darling could get a heroes' welcome in Hawaii (if he were still pitching).

I would attract more kids by refusing to issue licenses to baseball card companies with exorbitant prices. I may be an economics concentrator, but when it comes to baseball, profit is secondary.

After all, it's not the front of the card that makes a baseball fan, but the back.

If I were God, the world would be a better place for Bosnians, Chinese dissidents, Democrats, and baseball fans alike.