THE FIRMNESS OF THEIR FLESH

Bob Dole in Floridian shorts. President Clinton in jogging nylons. Maybe Congress should change the presidential age requirement from 35 to 21. At least then we wouldn't be subjected to aging legs.

It seems that the race to be president will come down to who has the best thighs. In one sense, it's a nice change of pace; now the men have their turn at being Miss America. Now they too know what it is like to be judged not on the content of their character but the firmness of their flesh.

Yet there should be more critical criteria. Yes, Bob Dole is old, but can't we prove his health with his last physical report? Or his ability to walk? And we know Bill Clinton goes jogging; isn't that enough? Do we really have to endure seeing body parts that were taboo a century ago on the pages of respectable newspapers?

Bob Dole should follow Clinton's lead and go on national television to prove his fitness: perhaps a dancing competition to Lawrence Welk. And President Clinton should stick to sweatpants. Once these men cover themselves with clothes and not just rhetoric, then we can judge their more intellectual attributes. Until then, we're waiting for them to truly launch their campaigns within the covers of Runner's World or GQ. Arsenio Hall and Larry King, you haven't seen anything yet.