A NEW AGENDA FOR MR. BILL

Like desperate passengers abandoning ship, President Clinton's cabinet members and top administration aides are involved in a mass exodus. Clinton did not even have time to savor his crushing (though expected) victory over the hapless Bob Olde--excuse me, that's Bob Dole--before he had to start searching for replacements and explaining to the press why his staff was deserting.

Perhaps that characterization is not entirely fair. Some cabinet members and White House officials didn't want to leave; they were forced out. Let's go down the list of outgoing staff and try to think of some good substitutes.

Today, Clinton named Charlotte investment banker and Washington outsider Erskine Bowles as his new chief of staff. Leon Panetta is leaving that post. Laura D'Andrea Tyson will abandon her post as head of the National Economic Council. Two other high-ranking aides, George Stephanopolous and Rahm Emanuel, are also departing.

Six out of 14 Cabinet members have already decided to leave. Secretary of State Warren Christopher and Secretary of Defense William Perry have announced their resignations, as has Commerce Secretary Mickey Kantor. Labor Secretary Robert Reich is quitting and will probably be teaching here at Harvard again pretty soon. Energy Secretary Hazel O'Leary is on her way out the door, as is Transportation Secretary Federico Pena.

Housing Secretary Henry Cisneros is expected to resign any day now. The White House is also trying to get Attorney General Janet Reno to resign. Administration officials are planting leaks about her battle with Parkinson's disease to try to force her out. Not even Bob Dole was treated so harshly.

Much speculation revolves around who will succeed Warren Christopher. Former Senate majority leader George Mitchell, National Security Adviser Anthony Lake '61 and Deputy Secretary of State Richard Holbrooke all seem to be on Clinton's short list, with Mitchell as the favorite. But why not leave Lake where he is and bring back his old boss, the aging Henry Kissinger '50, to head up the State Department? Then nations which are enemies of the U.S., as well as our allies, would quickly do our bidding due to fear of massive carpet-bombing.

Henry Cisneros has been plagued by a scandal involving payoffs to a mistress of his. Who better to take his post than Dick Morris, another philanderer who has certainly wandered in the political wilderness for long enough.

In a nod to bipartisanship, Clinton could tap Pat Buchanan to head up the Commerce Department, although that would mean retooling his free-trade policy and imposing harsh tariffs on Japan, as well as accepting the high cost of building that wall all along the Mexican border. Also, Buchanan's racism might bother the rest of the staff, although since Mike Espy resigned and Pena and Cisneros are on their way out, will any minorities be around to care?

Clinton should also pardon Susan McDougal and make her Secretary of Defense. Not that she'd have any clue how to run the Pentagon, but she deserves something for keeping her mouth shut. Finally, if Janet Reno leaves, Hillary Clinton should become Attorney General. That would make the messy business of Whitewater, Travelgate and Filegate that much easier to cover up.