Goals? No Problem

The Harvard men's soccer team had a pretty easy game on Wednesday, defeating Fairfield 423-0.

Junior forward Richard Wilmot paced the Crimson with 146 goals and 91 assists, and Harvard President and goaltender Neil Rudenstine ended the game with a spectacular save to preserve the shutout.

Well, not exactly. Harvard did win on Wednesday, against some school called Fairfield. But the score was only 8-0, more or less, and Wilmot only scored a couple of goals. And Rudy, who came to watch part of the game, left to do some office work by the time Harvard coach Stephen Locker really started going to his bench.

But these silly particulars don't make too much of a difference, do they? On Wednesday, Harvard beat the you-know-what out of the Fairfield, uh, whatever its team name is. (The Ants? The Fighting Midgets? Your guess is as good as mine.)

It was practically comical. No, check that, it was extremely comical. And stupid. I mean, some high school teams would have put up a better fight.

At the game's zenith of silliness, two Harvard players were in various states of undress, and the Crimson still almost scored a goal.

Right after the Crimson scored for the first time, freshman Armando Petruccelli wanted a new pair of socks, but he had to stay on the field. So he sat down on the field along the side-line, untying his shoelaces while play resumed.

Almost immediately, Wilmot went on a breakaway--remember, Harvard was voluntarily a man down--and a Fairfield defender leglocked him, pulling down his shorts in the process.

The referee certainly should have called a penalty shot (quote of the day: "You gotta have courage, ref, that's why we're paying you," by Locker), which would have probably given Harvard its second goal.

The funny thing was, Harvard didn't score for the rest of the half. The Crimson did have a penalty shot later on, along with another couple of chances, but none came through.

To think that the outcome of the game was actually in question during halftime. One good Fairfield shot--if there was such a thing--could have tied it up. Shudder.

In the second half, the floodgates opened. The Crimson scored three times in the first 12 minutes or so, and didn't ever stop. Fairfield was playing a man down, thanks to a red card late in the first half (memo to Fairfield: playing a man down IS NOT A GOOD THING). Describing its second half effort as "hapless" is too kind.

It soon got to the point where Harvard's offense was annoying me. As in, "Oh God, they're not going to score again, are they?" Of course, they did.

As the game dragged on, I became bored. Sometimes I would be doodling in my notebook, or yawning, or counting how many of Rudenstine's hairs were out of place, and then a whistle would blow and some Harvard player would be dancing around happily.

Later, I seriously considered watching the women's soccer team practice on the other field. The blue team was playing the yellow team, and neither was named Fairfield. Good enough for me.

But then the clock started ticking under five minutes, and out of courtesy Harvard started playing keep-away instead of scoring its ninth.

You can't really fault Harvard for the pummeling--what was the team supposed to do, not try? And you also can't fault Fairfield, because those players certainly were trying.

Nevertheless, the game was a complete joke. It did give Harvard its first non-conference win since 1993--the Crimson won the Ivies with a 5-1-1 record in league games and a 0-8-1 record otherwise last year--but the only thing Harvard got out of the match was some exercise.