Profile : Hayden F. Hirschfield '98

Concentration: Gerbil Grooming. I'm trying to do a Special Concentration.

Home: Canaday and Denver, Colorado

Describe yourself in three words: rambunctious, hermit-crab-like, smelly.

In what house would you most like to live? I don't really know. I had a brother who lived in Quincy House, so I'm a little afraid of it. However, I saw this film called Chopping Wood, with this guy chopping trees down as he was talking about his family. It was done at Quincy, and that was cool, so I'm feeling a little better about Quincy.

What did you do for Your FOP leader interview? I taught the truth about the Sandhogs. One evening, a while back, I was walking through the Square, and it was pretty late. I had come out of The Tasty, and I was sort of bloated on double cheeseburgers. I was walking along, and there was this dark alley that I had never noticed before. I went down there; it was dark and tempting, Then I was confronted by these 30 hogs who surrounded me. They popped out of trash cans; they were hiding in boxes and things. they were sort of sandy, too, Anyway, they were called the Sandhogs, and they were about to kill me. I really don't know why they spared my life. I guess maybe it was because I hadn't shaved and looked a little scruffy. They explained to me that they had been around for millions of years. and they've been surfacing recently checking out the political climate. They live underground. They said, "We're going to try to tell a few people about who we are, and we heard that you were trying out to be a FOP leader. We really like FOP. We think it's a good thing that you're getting out into the dirt. May be you could teach your interviewers about the Sandhogs." They're sort of militant hogs. so you've got to be careful with them. The Sandhogs eat, and they wallow, but on top of that, they have spiritual nourishment, and that is in the form of funk music. So you must play funk music, do the hog incantations, and then they know that you're in tune with them.

If you could be remembered forever for one thing, what would it be? This little patch of hair under my lip. It's taken me five months to grow, but I'm very proud of it.

What kind of animal do you most resemble? I've been told that I resemble a possum and a sheepdog--because my hair is shaggy.

If you could be a famous living woman, who would you be? I'd say Tina Turner because in Mad Max beyond Thunderdome she had this really cools crossbow thing. Hmm...no, the woman in the Timex commercial. This woman jumps out of an airplane (she's a hard-core skydiver). Her chutes don't open. She smashes into the ground form serious heights, does not die, just bruises her tailbone, and she's still jumping today. And then there's Sigourney Weaver in Alien. But I would say the Timex woman.

Gilligan's Island--Mary Ann or Ginger? I'm down with Mary Ann. She's got her shit together. When the headhunters come, she's right on top of things.

Where would you rather have sex: on the sculpture across from Lamont Library or on the conveyor belt in the Union dishroom? On the conveyor belt. I'd like that. Other people would be coming in, and they'd be pouring out their glasses, and you could pour that all over each other. you know when you drink your orange juice, you get to the bottom, and there's always that slimy pulp that you leave? That stuff, that would be pretty fun.

What do you want to be when you grow up? I'd rather not grow up, but I really enjoy telling stories. Maybe I'll do something with that. I like film, too, And then there's science. But I've been sort of frightened by the pre-meds.

I'll give you a term, and you say the first thing which comes to mind...

Heaven: Fluffy clouds and things.

Body piercing: Erin Healy at home. she's got a lot.

The Tasty: You could put Heaven and the Tasty together. You could probably get piercing there, too.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Cool costumes, flexible martial arts. Actually, that wouldn't be bad.

Vegemite: Australia, puckered face, blackish-greenish slime in ponds you can scoop up.

Neil Rudenstine: Breakdancing, basically the Moonwalk.