Extracurricular Extraordinaire

Sometimes I get so much mail, I just don't know what to do. The DHL packages, Fed-exes, postcards and e-mail just never stop coming in. I love it, though. Keep it up, dear readers! Nothing gives me more pleasure than spending a beautiful spring day reading and answering letters. I just love to help people.

Dear Norma,

I have been going our with the same guy for over a year. This year he has turned into extracurricular. I never see him, we never do anything and I just don't see how this is a relationship. He thinks that because we have such a deep relationship we can sustain once a month contact at most. I care about him, but I don't know what to do. --Boyfriend Missing in Extracurriculars in Lowell

Dear Boyfriend Missing,

You should talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. Tell him that if he doesn't spend more time with you, you may have to go find someone who will. This may sound harsh, but he should realize that a relationship is more than just shared history and a dinner out once a month. Take charge!

Dear Norma,

I am miserable. My father died very recently and my mother just married my uncle. And as if this wasn't bad enough, a bunch of my friends just came and told me that they saw Dad's ghost whilst they kept the watch. Not to mention I have an odd fixation on this young woman whose father is a total geek. To top it all off, I am starting to speak compulsively in iambic pentameter (which is really getting on my roommate's nerves). I am such a mess. Even my cloak is inky. Help me anon!

Dear Danish,

You are a mess. Not only do you sound like you believe that ghost crap, but also talking in rhythm is totally loopy. And if I'm not mistaken, when I read between the lines, it seems that you have an unresolved Oedipal complex. I suggest therapy. Your problems are so complex that not even a good literary critic could figure them out.

Dear Norma,

I think I'm falling in love with my proctor. The only problem is that he's a-school student and I don't think he notices me very much. In fact, I'm starting to get jealous of my pre-med roommates because they get more advising from him! Short of trading in my passion for medieval literature for a four-color clicker, I don't know how to wrench his attention away from them. Should I sit him down one night and explain what `chivalry' really means?   --Grinding my teeth in Grays

Dear Grinding,

I'd really like to help you grab the attention of your aloof proctor. Unfortunately, I'm busy studying for MCAT's right now, so I am afraid I don't have the time to address your conundrum.

Dear Norma,

I think my roommate is leading a revolution. I am not sure...but the pieces are falling into place. He keeps getting little parcel notes in his mail box informing him of the large arms shipments arriving in the superintendent's office. He's tried to hide the slips, but I've seen them! He is growing a long beard and is starting to smoke unfiltered cigarettes. UNFILTERED!! Can you believe it? He is growing fonder and fonder of Marxist criticism-in fact, I think I overheard him making cracks about laissez-faire economic policies! What should I do??   --Worried in Winthrop

Dear Worried,

Your roommate is not leading a revolution. You are just imagining things. Arms shipments, beards and unfiltered cigarettes have nothing to with revolution. He's probably reading Marx for Social Studies 10. Has he lost his sense of humor? He's not speaking in Cuban, is he? Have you seen any little red books? Don't worry, everything will be just fine. Paranoia is so bourgeois! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

NOTE TO WORRIED'S ROOMMATE:

The dog quacks when the red lady dances her ballet.