Save The Cup

The most thrilling world championship is taking place and, honesty, all of you have been missing out.

America's Cup '95 has reached the semi-finals, of sorts, and the drama has just begun.

If anyone knows what I'm talking about--and judging by the Nielsen ratings, you don't--it's the sacred sailing event that only comes every three years. The one that France spent over 30 million dollars just to enter (half of which came from public funds), and the one that caused Japan's skipper to weep at the end of its run.

You remember America's Cup, don't you? The sailing contest with the silver trophy as large as the Stanley Cup and for 98% of the time its been in America's hands?

Oh, THAT America's Cup.

I have a news flash for you: We're going to lose it AGAIN.

I know, I know, everyone go scramble and get your "America's Cup" betting pool and change your results--but first let me explain why you should watch:

You want excitement? It begins and ends with Dennis Connor. Remember him? He was the one who LOST The Cup for the first time in a millennium to the Australians, was labeled a washup, then won The Cup back.

Brash, cocky, arrogant, confident, they're all Dennis Connor. And before you brandish me, he'd probably agree. But you know what? He's a winner, and a fine skipper. He has one of the finest skippers on board already, but he has on qualms about grabbing the wheel and taking hold of his own ship, Stars and Stripes.

This guy wants The Cup so bad that he'll volunteer ANY team members (including himself) to help out on the American entry that will defend The Cup, in the event that it's not his own.

You want intrigue? Try Mighty Mary, the almost-all-women boat. These women are for real, and their boat (the only one with Noxema and L'Oreal as sponsors) has been consistently fast, and recently picked up their first man--a tactician.

Want pure speed? Try Young America. Their boat cuts through the water with a mermaid painted on its hull, but puts up a protest flag every time Dennis Connor breathes wrong, it seems.

So, the right to defend The Cup is down to three boats. Three instead of the usual, two, as one of the many court battles of this year's Cup decided that three should race. But why will the Americans lose this year?

The answer is simple: those darn Kiwis.

For the past three years the New Zealanders have poured umpteen millions of dollars into the refined shape of their boat: Black Magic. Even the name sounds victorious, and so far, no one has proved them wrong. The Kiwis have a perfect record on the water thus far, winning thirty-odd games and losing NONE. Zip.

Do you think Americans want to win The Cup badly? Well, New Zealanders are treated to a TV commercial, with the swift Black Magic flanked by the monstrous words "THIS TIME!" across the screen. Of course, my own New Zealand heritage wouldn't hold any bias, would it? But believe me, that my New Zealand relatives would actually consider flying to San Diego to see the finals says enough.

But if there was ever a miracle out there to trounce the Kiwis, it's the Australians. After all, they've already supplied one miracle: making the Challenger finals after their boat SANK (no type here) in under two minutes, and everyone survived.

How's THAT for "A prelude to a championship"?

So before time runs out, contact your local cable company and root for the good ol' Red White, and Blue. If not for your country, then at least so that I don't have to answer to my New Zealand relatives.