Norma Knows

I apologize for my absense last week, but I had to attend the Lacan convention to expand my knowledge of psychoanalysis and serve you better. While my absense was regrettable, I must say that visiting Paris was not. Oh, the sights and sounds of Gay Paris...! It was positively dreamy. I dined at the most delicious restaurants, attended the most fabulous theater, schmoozed with the most marvelous people and emptied the yearbook's expense account on the Champs Elysie. However, of everything I did in Paris, I will never forget Jacques. He really knew his way around the Eifel Tower.

Now that I'm back I have to sift through the piles and piles of letters that arrived at the Crimson while I was away. You Harvard students have so many problems, so many issues! Where should I start...?

Dear Norma,

I just started dating this great guy, "George." He's achingly sexy, seductively funny and damn well-groomed. And to top it all off, he's nice to me! I'm so attracted to him. I sat next to George in class the other day and was having trouble keeping my hands off of him. Every time our legs brushed against each other, I got all tingly. I thought about jumping him right there in Harvard Hall, but at the last second decided against it. I don't know if I can be so reserved next time, Norma. Libidinal in Leverett

Dear Libidinal,

Wow! He must be a real babe, Libidinal. He sounds as good as Jacques, maybe even better. Kudos to you. However, I agree that jumping George in public may not be all that great an idea. Of course, this could be cool, but otherwise wait to get home. If you're having trouble controlling your urges there are ways to lose the mood. Try thinking about dead puppies. Or Newt Gingrich.

Dear Norma,

I got really lonely over intersession and I bought a dog. Luckily for Rover, my roommate likes dogs and when she returned, she allowed the new resident. We have one of those enormous Eliot suites, so there's room for Rover to play. I walk her at night and pray we don't run into my senior tutor. Things have been going well, but somehow Rover got herself pregnant. I have no idea what to do!   Expecting in Eliot

Dear Expecting,

Clearly, there is no easy solution. You certainly cannot keep a litter of puppies in your room, no mater how big it is. Phew! Boy, would it stink! You need to either give Rover away or get rid of the puppies as quickly as you can. I don't suggest a violent method. Sell them and pay off your Coop bill! Or, if you're feeling generous, you could give them to the three or four proctors that don't have dogs.

Dear Norma,

I love my girlfriend. We're soul mates. She could honestly be the love of my life. She just turned 21, though, and our relationship is on the rocks. Every time we go out, she orders martinis--two at a time. She likes to take the olives and shove them up her nostrils. She says she likes the smell of martini-soaked olives. I tell her it's humiliating, but she's addicted. Now I'm a mortified co-dependent and she's a shameless spectacle. The insanity must stop, but how?   Hiding my head at the Harvest

Dear Hiding,

You can't go on like this. The insanity must stop. Embarrassment aside, she's heading for one mean sneeze. By going along with your girlfriend's nasty habit, you are not helping anyone, save the Kleenex company. And the last thing corporate America needs is more unwitting help from the little people.

The next time you go to your favorite restaurant, quietly instruct the waitress that your girlfriend observes special dietary restrictions: the olives that accompany her martini must be steeped in oil. This way, when she furtively tries to insert them into her nostrils, their well-greased skins will slip right back out. She will soon surrender, and will likely order whiskey sours from then on out.

Write to Norma Knows, 14 Plympton St., Cambridge MA 02138