DART BOARD

ARCHIE AND THE GREEK LIFE

It's been raining for the last few days, but lonely Harvard students take heart. Soon the sun will rise over the Loker Commons, ushering in a new golden age for Harvard social life.

In explaining why Harvard doled out hundreds of thousands of dollars to build a new Freshman Union, Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III pointed to the void in many students' social lives. Epps promises that the Commons will be the greatest thing for Harvard's social life since it went coed.

The problem, you see, is that students today have no place to meet anyone. In the past, young philosophes could "hang-out" at Harvard Square cafes, sip espresso and impress each other with their dazzling erudition. But these stores are gone along with the Coop rebates.

Epps calls for a return to those glory days in the Commons' new "laid-back" coffee house. Right on, dude. But there's more. On weekends the Commons will stack up those lunch tables and bring back disco to Harvard. We're told dancing in the Commons will surpass those silly House boogies that you don't go to anyway.

Of course, the new Commons will take aim at the growing strongholds of "anti-intellectual, highly social, high-risk activities." No, Epps is not talking about Harvard's 11 all-male final clubs, those bastions of sexism, elitism and alcoholism.

Nature abhors a vacuum, and in recent years, new, even more insidious organizations have grown to fill the void in Harvard's social life. Three underground Greek organizations have emerged to suck in those students who weren't born lucky enough to be punched.

"It worries me, frankly, because Harvard made a decision in the 1920s to get rid of fraternities," says Epps.

We're sure today's Greek students bear a close resemblance to their 1920s counterparts. Robes, pipes, and fresh from the Great War. Maybe Silent Cal will join them to watch the Babe hit a homer.

But we can understand Epps' concern. Fraternities just don't display the high intellectual standards and brilliant wit of the final clubs. We've yet to see any Sigma Chi pledges dressed like sperm or carrying their chickens to class.

Still, we shouldn't entirely omit academics from the lady's Greek life. As one sorority president pointed out, academics is one of Kappa Alpha Theta's "three aims," along with slumber parties and memorizing the Greek alphabet.

But then again, maybe a little class is all Dean Epps is looking for. Perhaps if our fraternity brothers were to don seersucker suits and bow ties the next time they gather at the Spaghetti Club, even our esteemed dean might become a fan.

THE ARTIST AS CYNIC

The 'notorious' question of The Artist as Citizen started out as a well meaning and insightful topic for a qualified speaker to explore. First there was Barbra, who butchered her speech writer's graceful words. Then we asked this question of Michelle Pfeiffer, just to be cute. But when it was asked again of Tom Hanks, we might do well to consider exactly where this 'harmless' question has gone.

The Artist as Citizen is a very serious question indeed, for in this age of brainless mass culture and its sheeplike world devotees, it is the artists (or so they would like to be known) who draw larger crowds and wield greater influence with the public than Secretaries of State and Nobel laureates. Their sexual hijinks, their fashion statements, their political causes and their illegitimate children are what keep our economy trucking along.

It follows, then, that these celebrities have a responsibility as citizens to maintain some sense of decorum. Leave the indecorous to British royalty. American gliterrati should be as wholesome as boy scout leaders. Oops. Why don't we scratch that last thought.

Barbra attempted to set her example, but she ended up looking like a flaccid puppet sustained by her brilliantly turgid teleprompter. Michelle Pfeiffer babbled for a while and told us that she tries to choose roles responsibly as an artist: sleeping with a hairy animal and meowing as a cartoon dominatrix seemed, to her mind, to fit the bill.

Leave it to Tom Hanks, recent Oscar winner, to share with us the real state of affairs with regard to the American "Artist as Citizen." He contended that he didn't "think responsibility went beyond voting via secret ballot." In other words, be reckless on stage and civic-minded every two years for the thirty seconds it takes to check the box next to "Democrats." Way to go, Tom. You hit it right on the nose (we wish it were Geraldo's, again).

By being honest--that is to say, by conceding that most 'artists' aren't aiming to be 'good citizens'--Tom Hanks cut through the bloated drivel that characterizes most posturing 'artist-citizens.' He confirmed and glorified the supremacy of the green-back over guts, of the savings account over scruples.

And thank God for that dose of reality. We were beginning to think that Hollywood was going to sink even further into its pit of Messianic delusion.