Responding to Ed

Welcome to the second installment of "The Moviegoer," a new bi-weekly column on The Crimson's editorial page. It seems that the column has caused a certain amount of buzz. People discuss it on the streets. Poets compose sonnets to it. Lovers swear by it. And apparently one small Latin American country is using it as the basis for a new constitution.

Also, of course, we've gotten a bunch of letters. As I promised last time, these letters will often form the basis of these columns, so keep them coming. Throwing out those few pathetic letters that had the hubris to take issue with my summer picks and pans in the last installment, I chose one particularly interesting letter, from Ed. Ed (not his real name) writes: "Dear Moviegoer. I have a problem. I take my dates to the movies all the time, and then nothing ever happens. No sparks, no true love, no nothing Aren't the movies supposed to be romantic?"

Well, yes they are, Ed. And in spite of your simply atrocious double negative, you raise an interesting question. There is no question that going to the movies can be one of the most heart-warming, romantic experiences of your life if you keep a few of my simple rules in mind. These rules come from years of cinematic experience. Armed with these rules, you'll be the Valentino of the Loew's Harvard Square. Ready?

Rule 1: Get the ground rules clear. No, not those ground rules. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is a family column. All I mean is that every movie viewer is used to behaving in certain ways at the theater, and those ways may not necessarily be appreciated by one's viewing partner. For example, do you talk during the movie? Your partner may feel that jokes and gossip are sacreligious to the cinematic ritual. Do you stay for the credits? Your partner may not care appreciably who the second unit assistant director is. Do you eat and drink during the movie? Your fellow viewer may be turned off by the thought of your stuffing your face during a tearjerker. You may want to check these things out now to avoid friction later.

Rule 2: Pick your movie carefully. What movie you ask someone to tells a lot about you as a person. You may not want to ask that cute girl you smile at all the time in your Shakespeare section to "Natural Born Killers." Alternatively, you may feel that this is the film that really tells your date something about you. If it is, though, you should know that what it is telling your date is "Stay away." On the other hand, I know people who have worked romantic magic by taking their dates to "Four Weddings and a Funeral" and whispering at an appropriate moment, "Auden always makes me weep." (If you don't get it, go see the movie. If you do, go see it again.)

Rule 3: Always talk afterwards. Just the fact that the two of you sat in the same theater and saw the same mass-produced Hollywood moneymaker does not true love make. The good thing about a film is that it offers you an easy topic for conversation over coffee afterwards. If the film is great, you can both wax eloquent about it. If it was terrible, you can heap vitriol and scorn on it together. Read a review in advance, so that you have at least one intelligent thing to say no matter what ("Say, don't you think this was the most insightful commentary on Generation X since 'Reality Bites?'") After that is over, you can move to other topics, like where the honeymoon will be, and who the children will look like.

Rule 4: Don't get fresh in the movie theater. I'm not telling you this as a fellow dater--in fact, making out in the movie theater can be one of the most rewarding experiences that you can possibly have. (In fact, there was one particularly enjoyable time that I recall seeing five, possibly six minutes of the entire feature.) Here I'm speaking as the person sitting two rows back from you. We paid good money to see a movie, not you two snogging. So cut it out. Save that for after the film. Kids.

Well, there you have it. I'm sensing that I'm getting crotchety, so I'd better go rent "City Lights" and "The Great Dictator" to cheer me up. These two Charlie Chaplin films are, to my mind, two of the greatest comedies of all time. Which reminds me: my next column, unless I get a really interesting letter, will be about some of the great film comedies of all time and what makes them great. So if you have any thoughts on the matter, send them in.

The Moviegoer appears on alternate Fridays. We'd tell you who writes it but...no we wouldn't.