BANGING YOUR BUCK

Are you taking only three courses? Living in the Leverett Towers? Feeling like you're not exactly getting your money's worth at Harvard? Here are a few tips for maximizing your utility at the big H. And Ec.10 is not a prerequisite.

1. Always walk on the grass. Harvard's lawns have two distinct periods of life: spring to Commencement and Commencement to winter. During the first "brown" period, Harvard spends thousands of dollars to improve the landscape for alums. All the grass you see now, in the second "green" period, is left over from the first period. So stomp and tromp--think about all the green that went into the green.

2. Eat at more than one dining hall per meal. Under the new card system, you can make the run of the Harvard Dining Services at any given meal time. So go for the record--can you hit all twelve in two hours?

3. Library grace periods--exploit them! Did you know that several Harvard libraries won't fine you for up to ten days after your book is overdue? Take your time, risk free.

4. Go to President Rudenstine's office hours and as many deans' office hours as you can cram in. Don't think Neil's earning his bucks this month? Why not make him put up with you for an hour or so! That's got to be worth at least $100 right there.

5. Take the shuttles. Why not get that free trip down to the Longwood Medical Area on Harvard's tab? It's only a few blocks down Brookline Avenue from the dance clubs and Fenway Park. Or how about a scenic river route to the business school? And this isn't even Royal Caribbean!

6. Brainwash those little rascals who supposedly belong to your house tutors. They have two legs, they can run some of your brands. Got any dirty laundry? Want your mail? Breakfast in bed? Just think of the possibilities. And you can probably get it all for the price of a couple of soggy cookies.

7. Raid the toilet paper supply in your house super's office. You needn't wait for the first snow of the winter to impress parents strolling through house courtyards. Imagine: toilet-paper snowpeople in Mid-November! And if your House experiences a run on those fluffy white rolls, old copies of the Lampoon might just finish the job.

8. Harass those intrepid Crimson Key Society members. They represent a valuable resource and you don't even have to tip them. So we recommend following them through the Yard on tours, while asking vital questions. In which libraries do most Harvard students have sex? How often? How big is your key, anyway?

Now that we've got you started, we're sure you'll find plenty of ways to get that extra bang for your buck this year. After all, you don't have to get one of those prestigious Office for the Arts grant to feel fulfilled!

7. Raid the toilet paper supply in your house super's office. You needn't wait for the first snow of the winter to impress parents strolling through house courtyards. Imagine: toilet-paper snowpeople in Mid-November! And if your House experiences a run on those fluffy white rolls, old copies of the Lampoon might just finish the job.

8. Harass those intrepid Crimson Key Society members. They represent a valuable resource and you don't even have to tip them. So we recommend following them through the Yard on tours, while asking vital questions. In which libraries do most Harvard students have sex? How often? How big is your key, anyway?

Now that we've got you started, we're sure you'll find plenty of ways to get that extra bang for your buck this year. After all, you don't have to get one of those prestigious Office for the Arts grant to feel fulfilled!