You're Gonna Die!!!

The Ref

directed by Ted Demme

Starring Dennis Leary, Judy Davis and

Kevin Spacey

At one point in "The Ref," wife/mom Caroline (Judy Davis) has her entire family wear Scandinavian candle-wreaths on their heads. When the camera pans around the dining room table allowing viewers a glimpse of each family member with a candle-wreath on his or her head, the audience erupts in laughter. Overheard by this reporter in the bathroom after the movie: "I thought I was gonna die when they had those candles on their heads."

There. That's the movie. For many people in the audience at the Cleveland Circle cinema, there were many orgasmic "I'm gonna die" moments. However, if you cannot envision yourself saying something like "I thought I was gonna die when they had those candles on their heads" after you've seen a movie, then "The Ref" is not the movie for you.

"The Ref" suffers chronically from an unsalvageably stupid and hackneyed plot line. Swarthy young thief Gus (played by Denis Leary) sets off an alarm during a robbery and barely makes his escape. He bolts for the nearest convenience store and finds Caroline (Judy Davis) wandering frustrated through the canned food aisle while her hesband Lloyd, played by Cherokee. Holding a gun to Caroline's back, he forces her to her car. Now here's the funny part: Gus doesn't know what he's in for! In an effort to get far away from the scene of the crime and gather his thoughts, he has car-jacked the most argumentative couple in the whole USA! Lloyd and Caroline argue from start to finish! They argue about the best way to get home! They argue about how to raise their son Jesse! They can't even agree on whether or not to get a divorce! Entering Lloyd and Caroline's world of domestic dysfunction, Gus keeps the couple hostage in their own home by tying them up with bungee cords. Despite their confines they still manage to get under each other's skin. Gus becomes so annoyed with their abrasive banter that, a dead-ringer for Eddie Murphy, he claps his hands over his ears and sings "la la la la la !" Audience erupts in laughter.["I thought I was gonna die when he put his hands over his ears!"]

Are Judy Davis's lips silicon-injected? If Ted Demme (the director) is related to Jonathan Demme, isn't Jonathan Demme embarrassed? Why wasn't Macaulay Culkin in this movie? These are the questions that gnawed at my brain as the one-liners reached an insipid tedium. Also, I was sure that the town setting was suposed to be a cinematic rendering of Marblehead, Mass (town hall, docks, little white churches, references to Republicans), but then someone in the movie said "our relatives are coming down from Boston for Christmas." I could only conclude that this wasn't Marblehead: the Marblehead I know lies about 17 miles north of Boston, adjacent to Salem. Thank God, I found out later through some gracious line in the script that the movie was supposed to take place in Connecticut. Confusion quelled, I could watch the rest of the movie with a clear mind.

Connie (Christine Baranski) is the best character in the movie. She plays Lloyd's dead-pan Dorcester-accented sister-in-law (of the "coming down from Boston" clan). Her part is small but spicy: she repeatedly tells her kids to "shut up and celebrate Christmas" while contorting her face into strange fried-egg expressions. A funny mix of maternal and monstrous, Connie is able to balance delicately the separate but equal horrors that consume her life. Her character accurately reveals the modern female condition in all its glorious yet irritated state.

Among the many loaded and profound messages conveyed, I did find one little gem of advice in "The Ref" particularly moving. Says Gus-robber-man to Jesse-delinquent-suburban-spawn, "kid, you may think running around stealing stuff is fun, but it really sucks." I think that Ted Demme is trying to reach the youth of America in this movie. He really wants to say, "Hey, kids. I know stealing stuff may be fun, but it really sucks."