The CIA

We thought and thought and couldn't quite come up with an appropriate and entertaining topic for the tenth of March. It's a limbo period--with winter pretty much over and spring not quite yet here (not to mention midterms)--so, with our usual penchant for apt weather comparisons, we thought of the ever-fascinating topic of spying. (And gossip, which is Harvard's equivalent of this noble institution, but that comes later.)

Like the never-ending snowfalls which announce themselves just as we think winter is finally over, Aldrich Ames hits the press to remind us that the Cold War is not so distant a memory (apt comparison, no? We think so.). Of course, we all know he's being set up, but that doesn't stop the story from being far more interesting and revealing than Whitewater. Give the scandal a rest, guys.

The U.S. hasn't quite settled into peaceful relations with Russia--what's left of it at least--and we can't think of one country that likes us even a little. So we're left with old and familiar games--and our perennial favorite newsmaker, the CIA.

In fact the CIA seems to be the only career path we editors share in common--perhaps because it's so close to journalism. Unfortunately, our shared goal doesn't amount to much, since we'll never be asked, and even if we were, we'd never pass even the first security test. Would you put your life on the line for your country? We don't think so. And spying seemed the perfect complement to our fairly benign issue. Plus, Spy (the magazine is dead, and we wanted to commemorate its passing.

Fortunately, being the aspiring young spies that we are, we know the pat catch phrases to repeat if you are, indeed, in the CIA, or at least want to pretend you are. We share them with you here as a token of our faith.

Excuse #1: "I was offended they didn't ask me."

Excuse #2: "Oh, I'm too obvious."

Excuse #3: "I go to Harvard. As you know, that automatically disqualifies me."

These are three actual excuses which have been (and continue to be) used by those in the know. Use with caution. They're not original, but they're authentic, and no one ever said the CIA was like James Bond anyway. Come on, don't forget George Herbert Walker Bush was head of this blameless organization.

So, having discarded our CIA dreams, we turn to the next best thing--uh, gossip. We don't have any advice on that either, sorry. (It's midterms. Who cares what your roomates are doing?) Instead, we leave you with this profound thought to digest over breakfast: where have we gone in the past 25 years? Think about it.