Don't Ask...

Harvard is a mysterious place, full of metaphorical nuts to crack and teeming with challenges for the gaming mind. Our perch atop the chimney of Memorial Church affords us fine view of curious students traversing the Yard, wondering, always wondering: When is a Yard not a Yard? and, Whence Schlesinger Library?, and so on. In the interest of putting churning young minds to rest once and for all, we have taken it upon ourselves to respond to some oft-asked questions about Mother Harvard.

Q: Is it true that ice cream has to be served every day in the dining halls and that you can't graduate without learning to swim? If so, why?

A: Yes to the first question! As for the second: legend has it that Widener the Younger was aboard the Titanic when it went down, and that only his prodigious swimming ability gave him something with which to occupy himself as he grew weaker and weaker and ultimately drowned. In the aftermath of the disaster, a friend of the family was heard to remark, "If only Young Widener had been content to stay at home eating ice cream as I advised, this tragedy would never have come to pass!"

Q: Why "Mother" Harvard? Why not Father Harvard, or even Aunt or Uncle Harvard?

A: The answer to that question should be obvious: Father Christmas! Aunt Jemima! Uncle Wiggley! Harvard may be many things, but it's nobody's namesake.

Q: But isn't it named after John Harvard?

A: Fine, so it's one person's namesake.

Q: Do people really have sex in the stacks of Winder?

A: Only and unpopular person would ask that question!

Q: Is it true that there are secret tunnels running all under campus and connecting to places in Boston and Cambridge?

A: Yes. And they're inhabited by giant rats that eat undergraduates. For Christ's sake.

Q: Who thinks up the recipes used in the dining halls--the Chemical Warfare Section of the Department of Defense?!?

A: It's actually not all that funny to make joke about the food in the dining halls. Just eat it and shut up.

Q: Is it a true story about that kid who claimed to have encountered a space alien from the planet Zarg in William James Hall, and shortly after disappeared and was never heard from again?

A: If "that kid" is you, you might as well come right out and say it.

Q: It's not me!

A: Okay, relax. Next question.

Q: Will I be rich and successful upon graduation?

A: Only if you escape being kidnapped by space aliens.

Q: So it is true?

A: I have no idea what you're talking about. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go make a phone call on my intergalactic radio transmitter.

Q: Are you trying to make me cry?

A: Yes, but don't worry: Harvard has many resources for sad people. UHS, Room 13, and Contact, to name just a few. Also, my roommate's diary is always good for a few laughs (Just kiddin,' roomie!)

Q: Who are those people who proctor exams?

A: They're the proctors, lame-o!

Q: What is the secret to success at Harvard?

A: Gettin' in good with that man who stands in the little booth by the main gates of the Yard.

Q: Is it true that the hardest thing about Harvard is getting in?

A: No--that's the second hardest thing. The hardest thing about Harvard is getting out...alive. Bwah ha ha ha!

Q: Will this columm be an ongoing feature like "Action Line" in The Globe?

A: Yes. Since it debuted with this issue of the Fifteen Minutes we had to make up the questions ourselves, so we figured we might as well make up the answers, too. However, if you have lingering doubts about any aspect of Harvard, we would be happy to investigate them for you. Please address inquiries to: Fifteen Minutes Q&A, The Harvard Crimson, 14 Plympton St., Cambridge, MA, 02138.