Winter Games

Have you ever really thought about the absurdity of some of the events in the Winter Olympics?

Take for example the ever-popular luge. I want to meet the man who invented this sport. That is, if he's not presently in a house with padded walls.

Sledding after a nice soft snowfall gets my blood flowing, If I'm feeling a little crazy, maybe I'll strap on the skis.

But I've never, to the best of my memory, had a strong urge to lie on greased-up, aerodynamic sled that flies off in a different at 80 mph with the slightest wrong body movement. Maybe I'm weird that way.

And then there's the ski jump. How exactly does one practice this sport? Or even worse, how does one learn that it just isn't his sport?

With most sports it is easy. If you can't hit a curveball, you turn in your bat (unless of course you are Michael Jordan). But in the ski jump, it seems like an awfully difficult lesson to learn.

Finding yourself with a severed leg at the bottom of the jump gives the phrase "getting cut" a whole new meaning.

Of course, I' not suggesting that these athletes are not worthy of the chance to display their skills for the whole world to appreciate. For their years of training and perseverance--not to mention their blind courage--they certainly merit the applause and recognition they receive.

I just don't understand how their sports got invented and why anyone might want to participate in them.

Then again, I don't understand cricket, the world's dullest sport, but millions of Englishmen love it. And of course, I'm definitely not here to criticize.

Instead, I'm here to submit my own idea for a new sport that, in keeping with the present trend of bizarreness, may one day be in the Olympics: the ski biathlon.

Sure, the event already exists, but compared to the luge, the bobsled, the ski jump and other events, it is slightly on the boring side in its present form.

So we combine the shooting aspect of the event with the "aerials" competition that already exists. The skier approaches the jump sporting an automatic rifle.

He hits the jump, begins the flips and twists and wiggles and all the other stuff they do.

But now, in this new version, as the skier rights himself for the landing, he grabs the gun and must shoot a moving target that is released from the ground.

The judges, donning helmets and bullet-proof coats, rate the jumper's form and the accuracy of his shot.

Like other Olympic sports, the event will be judged on a 6.0 scale, with a simple rule: if the skier accidentally shoots a spectator, he or she would automatically receive a two-point reduction.

And if the action were deemed intentional, then the skier would be disqualified, and subject to arrest.

Of course, attracting fans might be a problem, but I think the athletes would hone their skills and by the time it became a medal event, it would be safe for everyone involved: participants, judges and fans.

I just wouldn't want to attend many of the practice sessions.

John C. Ausiello is a crimson staff writer. And if you think his views on the Winter Olympics are a little offbeat, you probably don't want to know how much he loves tractor pulls and professional wrestling.