The Crimson's Holiday Ode

Annually at holiday time While others are filling stockings,

We, the Ed Chairs of The Crime

Reflect with cheerful mocking.

The year's events are always the theme

Of our mirthful little ditty.

We hope you'll laugh until you scream--

Not to would be a pity.

The year began with quite a big splash

When we took charge of this daily.

Out with the stale, in with the brash!

Our task we took up gaily.

Our opinions are now much stronger

And they lean much more to the right.

The knee-jerks reign here no long

They saw us and they took flight.

Right from the start we made a big dent

In The Crimson's communist side.

We believe you can't control rent

And so, we turned the red tide.

To be sure, it wasn't that easy

To silence this paper's left wing;

Marx may make you and me queasy,

But here he was all but king.

On R-O-T-C we changed our view,

And then changed it right back once more.

Flip-flops like that, than God, were few;

Then again, who's keeping score?

Enough about us, there's more to say

'Bout the world beyond our front door.

So much went on from March to May,

Things we could hardly ignore.

Take, for example, the sudden loss

Of the President's number two.

Provost Green--he told off his boss,

"I've had it," he said. "I'm through."

Why the resigned no one dared say;

Rudenstine had it kept quiet.

Some said, "Green wants to teach by day!"

Yeah, right--we didn't buy it.

The time was bad for Jerry to leave--

The Campaign was about to start.

But Rudenstine refused to grieve:

"Don't worry," he said. "Take heart."

He had someone in mind to replace

Our dear, departed Provost Green:

Al Carnesale of ruddy face,

The K-School's touch, white-haired dean.

So Al assumed the number two post

While running the K-School as well.

His boss, alas, could not yet boast

That things in Mass Hall were swell.

Two VP's jobs he needed to fill!

(Both quit many log months ago.)

No one quite seemed to fit the bill:

Some prospects, it's said, said "No."

Finally, Rudy found the right men

Whose CVs with the jobs did go:

Finance's Proctor, named Allen

For publicity, Jim Rowe.

Henchmen in place, the Campaign could start;

There was lots of work to be done.

Six hundred million formed just part

The goal? Two point one billion.

While bureaucrats tended to money

Other issues students handled.

Here's something you might find funny:

The U.C. had a scandal.

While the council was having a blast

Spending all of our precious dough.

Anjalee Davis stepped in fast

And forced 'em to let us say "No."

The summer was filled with excitement

For two graduates--Sword and Lee.

The court gave them an indictment

For stealing from charity.

Councillor Bill Walsh was also in court;

Alas, he was sentenced to jail.

Fraud, it seems, was his fav'rite sport,

And now he is out on bail.

September ended the summer's fun,

We returned to school once again.

US News named us Number One,

Beating Yale, Princeton and Penn.

November saw us go to the polls

To give the Democrats the boot.

Finally, we killed rent control

And elected Speaker Newt.

But November is a month of chill

Beginning with All Hallow's Eve.

President Neil--oh woe!--took ill

And went on medical leave.

Rudenstine, it was said, needed rest;

He'd worked himself down to the core.

We hope he gets well--he's the best,

We find old Al such a bore.

Before he left, Rudenstine surmised

That the ROT-C saga must stop.

He suggested a compromise

That the College should adopt.

Last month, the B-S-A caused a flap

By inviting a bigot to speak.

Worse, their leader endorsed his crap

With words of praise for the geek.

And this month the whole campus grew ill

In what experts said was a fluke.

Frosh at the Union had their fill,

Then covered Harvard with puke.

Last week, thank God, the-cops caught their guy--

The book slasher, Stephen Womack.

Their cam'ras, mounted on the sly,

Meant lots less sex in the stacks.

The year is done--what a year it's been--

We studied, we laughed and we cried.

We need a break for exhaustion

We've had it, yes, we are fried.

To our readers: thanks, we wish you well

We've enjoyed serving you this way.

If we've offended, please don't dwell;

Have a happy holiday!