All I Want From Santa Is...

With the Super Bowl of Holidays but eight days away, and Santa dashing to and fro from one end of the North Pole to the other (do you think any of his elves feel the need to call Room 13 this time of year?), here's a little bit of information gleaned from one of his spies.

The "Wish Lists of the Stars," as it were--for what do you think they petitioned the white-bearded, pot-bellied one for Christmas? We've got it here.

But be cautioned: not everyone gets what they want. Surely more than a few lumps of coal await these guys, but just remember--betting on who's naughty and who's nice, just like reprinting this column without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball, is strictly prohibited....

Harry Sinden: A Bob Goodenow voodoo-doll.

Drew Bledsoe: A smile creasing Bill Parcels' mug just once on a Sunday afternoon.

Ken Burns: Baseball (sigh).

George Foreman: A $15 million payday for his soon-to-be scheduled heavyweight title defense against the Sta-Puff Marshmallow Man.

Reggie Jackson: Economic good-will and prosperity for all men. "That way, those fools they call 'fans' will keep shelling out 45 bucks a pop for my John Hancock."

Billy Crystal: An exorcism--who else but the devil could prompt the guy to buy front-row Clippers' season tickets?

Darryl Strawberry: A really, really good lawyer.

ECAC Hockey commissioner Joe Bertagna: an out-of-conference win for one of his teams.

Don Shula: A heated golf cart for the APC playoff road.

Dave Shula: A number-one draft-pick and a last-place schedule for '95. "Oh, and while you're at it, a contract extension to make sure I'm around to enjoy it."

Bill Murray: Total consciousness...no, wait, that's from Caddyshack. Actually, just an invite to the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am, and lots of cheerful, clueless old ladies to dump into bunkers as his speed schtick goes on.

Joe Paterno: A Nebraska loss and a new corduroy jacket to wear on the Pasadena sidelines January 2.

Rainbow Man (aka "John 3:16 Boy"): A get-out-of-jail-free card.

Tom Watson: A putting stroke.

Gary McCord: A Christmas card from Tom Watson.

Diego Maradona: A nuclear mail-bomb addressed to FIFA headquarters, Switzerland.

Dennis Hopper: Bruce Smith's shoe, man, a new overcoat and a life-time supply of "Halitosis" breath freshener.

Deion Sanders: A portable ego recharger for those long flights next September between Cincinnati and San Francisco.

Harvard squash, men's and women's: More of the same, thank you very much.

Dennis Rodman: "An NBA championship, an MVP trophy" ...well, no, actually, try more gullible ad executives and CEO's willing to pass out million-dollar endorsement deals like Halloween candy.

The Southwestern Conference: a proper headstone.

Steve Fisher: A) A Fabber Five than the new bunch of recruits he's already got; B) a non-aggression pact with the Ivy League; C) copies of Sun Tzu's "The Art of Coaching" and Clausewitz's "Time-out Strategy and How to Use It."

Gary Moeller: See C) above.

David Stern: Nothing. "I love the world, and I love this game, and what could be any better than that?"