Finally, Elders Fired

When I woke up last Saturday morning and picked up the New York Times, my eyes were greeted by a beautiful sight: a headline announcing the forced resignation of Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.

My heart filled with happiness. Inside my head, bells were pealing with joy as a song began: "Ding dong, the witch is dead..."

Elders was removed after President Clinton learned of remarks she made at a World AIDS Day conference in New York. Her controversial statements were made in response to a question about teaching masturbation to school children as a way of fighting the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

"As per your specific question in regard to masturbation, I think that it is something that is a part of human sexuality and it's a part of something that perhaps should be taught," she said. Her words give new meaning to Robert Fulghum's oft-quoted notion of "learning all you ever needed to know in kindergarten."

I will admit that in these statements Dr. Elders did not endorse teaching masturbation; she only suggested it. So whenever a Ku Klux Klan member wants to go out and do some evil, all they have to do is sound contemplative and say, "Perhaps we should go out and assault some African-Americans..."

As you might expect, I have a few questions about this brilliant idea. First, when does Elders propose we teach masturbatory techniques? Would this come before or after learning the alphabet?

Second, how exactly does Elders want us to teach masturbation? There are a variety of methods from which to choose. I suggest using games and songs. The following should be sung to the tune of the "Hokey Pokey":

"You put your right hand here, you put your left hand there. You put your sex organ here--and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around--that's what it's all about!"

Although I was happy to learn of the departure of the Surgeon General, I soon discovered that I was in the minority after a few conversations with my fellow Harvard students.

My liberal friends talked about the good job she has done as Surgeon General. They said she was fired because she was an African-American woman who dared to have "independent" (read: crazy) views. The liberals' reaction to Elders's departure, which the rest of the United States greeted with a sigh of relief, shows just how far we "intellectuals" are removed from the American people about whom we profess to know and care so much.

Campus liberals have a lesson to learn from the firing of Dr. Joycelyn Elders: offensiveness is a double-edged sword. As a standard for judging people, it cuts both ways.

Harvard leftists can complain all they want about conservatives. They can label them "offensive" and call for action to be taken against them. But many things we consider offensive here at Harvard are not offensive to mainstream America. And many things that Harvard students take for dogma are offensive beyond the ivy-covered walls.

Joycelyn Elders was not fired simply because she was offensive. She was fired primarily because she was a political liability for President Clinton. But she was a political liability because her remarks were so upsetting to many of the decent, hard-working. God-fearing people who make this nation great.

Joycelyn Elders is gone. Newt Gingrich is Speaker of the House. If you don't buy Aquinas or Anselm's proofs for the existence of God, stop and think about these two facts instead.

David B. Lat's column appears on alternate Tuesdays.