FOOSBALL FRENZY

A crime wave of the most absurd nature has struck Quincy House in the past month. We don't mean stalkers or more fecal smearings. House residents are currently wondering what kind of idiot would steal a foosball.

And the culprit didn't just take one foosball--five foosballs were removed from the Quincy House table by a mysterious kleptomaniac. You might ask, "What can you do with a foosball except play foosball?" Perhaps someone with a lot of time to waste could tell you. The value of the balls is only about $15, so this theft constitutes the most petty of larcenies.

If there's no intrinsic benefit to stealing foosballs, we wonder why such crimes have occurred. Almost all of the balls were stolen during dinner hours. Two were taken during windows of only half an hour when the table was not in use.

That evidence points to an inside job. Sure, the Quincy House Committee recently voted 31-14 to contribute $300 towards buying a new foosball table. But are up to 14 anti-foosball vigilantes now roaming Quincy House? Quincy players take foosball seriously, but hopefully those who abstain don't take it that seriously.

What happens if the foosballs don't reappear? Should Quincy players have to borrow balls from the superintendent or the itinerant security guard? Should they walk around with extra balls in their pockets? Or are they just happy to see you?

We can see a more dramatic resolution now: A hang-dog Quincy resident, confessing to the most ridiculous of crimes, comes forward to the jeers of house residents. The Master administers the punishment quickly with Josiah Quincy's staff. Soon a certain behind is as red as a missing foosball.