A Fish Aficionado

Scrumptious, succulent canned tuna. No other delicacy in the dining hall can compare.

In the midst of a hectic class schedule in which every course gets lotteried off to seniors, I take solace in that mini tin can with the smiling, sunglasses-wearing, blue fish staring up at me.

Spicy curly fries or teriyaki beef tips could be stacked miles high on the serving line, but every lunch without fail I will head for the tuna drawer.

Unfortunately, very few Harvard undergraduates experience the deep satisfaction of hearing daily the metal on metal "criinnk" upon opening the pop top tuna can. But follow these basic steps, and you too can enjoy tuna jubilation:

. Never sully the fish by adding mayonnaise. Gloppy tuna just isn't the same. Instead, let the naturally sweet-smelling tuna juice dribble over the whole wheat bread as you lovingly scoop out the contents of the can.

Warning: Naysayers will claim that the chunks fly out of the sandwich without mayonnaise. They're sissies.

. In the mood for a T.V. snack? Snag an extra can on your way out and eat the tuna staight from the can.

Hint: Sometimes there are round black things you may not have noticed if you eat tuna in a sandwich. Don't think about eyeballs.

. Sometimes, when you're feeling really daring, you can squeeze out the tuna juice into a glass and eat the contents completely dry. Not only will this provide a change of pace, but tuna liquid and orange juice isn't half bad.

Careful: The ecstasy of this homemade Tropicana Twister may be too much for beginners.

I know that some critics have bemoaned that the sharp cover can cut your finger, dripping blood all over your pristine white plate and scaring off your lunchmates.

And others have claimed serious tuna munchers will die of mercury poisoning by age 25.

But once you bite into the square chunks of that tasty fish, the pain and worry of your day just melt away in a flood of tastebud titillation.

And for those who pass this tuna bonanza by, I quote the most famous tuna of all: "Sorry, Charlie."