My Two Bits

Bang.

That's my gavel, and the first meeting of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Harvard Sports Fans is now in session.

First up on the agenda: The men's hockey team. What the hell's going on down there at Bright?

When senior Matt Mallgrave, the team's leading goal scorer, says "too many guys are taking nights off, and I'm one of them it's a bad sign. Really bad--worse than hearing somewhere over the Sahara that your pilot is experimenting with LSD for the first time.

Take night off? Take nights off? Coach Ronn Tomassoni has probably spent a few sleepless nights mulling that one over.

Maybe the Crimson thinks it can turn the juice on and off like so many light switches. Granted, the games this weekend didn't mean much except in terms of NCAA seedings, where Harvard's third seed is relatively secure.

But it's not like that. "It" can't be turned on and off like a light switch. "It" is more like a nuclear reactor--a long buildup to full power and a longer slide to shutdown. Anything goes wrong, and it's bad news.

Quotes like Mallgrave's are meant to be wake-up calls to the rest of the team. Here's hoping it got the message.

Just A Refresher Course: Last year, Harvard lost 4-2 to Clarkson and 4-0 to St. Lawrence on the last weekend of the season.

Seven days later, Harvard lost to RPI, 4-3 in overtime in the quarterfinals of the ECAC playoffs. Season over, dude

And Now, the Good News: Last year's shocking loss to RPI ended a brief ECAC experiment of one-game quarterfinals. (In fact, the experiment could be called a one-shot deal.) Before last year, teams played a best-of-three quarterfinal series.

But last year, after eighth-seeded RPI dropped top-seeded Harvard on its rear end, ECAC officials scrambled to bring the old system back.

(Either that or Athletic Director Bill Cleary '56 made them an offer they couldn't refuse. Reports are vague on this point.)

Harvard hasn't lost a three-game quarterfinal since 1990, when the Crimson lost to Cornell. Still, Harvard lost in the ECAC semifinals to Vermont and lost its top seed in the East to Maine.

The Crimson took home the number-two NCAA seed. The rest is history.

The Football Team? The Football Team?: The Maine football team was rocked by scandal this week when three of its players tested positive for steroids.

Now, two things: first, why the hell would anyone who played for Maine--that hotbed of college football excellence--take steroids?

Second, give The Crimson's investigative reporters a few phone numbers and a two-day head start and it could have half the Maine hockey team in federal court in a week. (C'mon, if the football team takes steroids...)

Speaking of Maine: Maine superfreshman Paul Kariya leads the nation in scoring and is the current favorite to win the Hobey Baker. He also passed up the chance to be part of Harvard's Class of '96.

Kariya passed Byerly Hall with flying colors but Tomassoni couldn't sell the small-town star (Kariya hails from north of Van-couver, British Columbia) on the benefits of urban life. Apparently, Kariya thought Boston would distract him from his hockey, so he opted for the complete sensory-deprivation tank of Orono, Mc. But just think.

Drury slides the puck over to Mallgrave...he passes back to Drury who feeds Kariya cutting towards the net, he shoots--he SCORES!...

Nah, there's probably a law.

Moving Off of Hockey: Just for the record, the men's and women's squash teams are very good. Five out of the top 10 women and the top two men in the country are from Harvard. That is domination in the true Marxist sense of the word...

Also For The Record: Playing a full screen of hockey with just 12 players like the women's hockey team did is akin to suiting up only 20 players for a football game. Harvard lost eight games by one-goal margins. Research has shown that fatigue of that level can induce hallucinogenic visions in laboratory animals.

Back to Hockey And Did Anyone See Party Cohagen on Monday?: I mean that stick to the nose he took against St. Lawrence did some damage. Purples, blues, band-aids and bandages...bruises like that usually involve unintentional collisions with heavy machinery.

What's Up With That/I Hear The Alps Are Lovely This Time of Year: And what's with those Celtics? They're good, they're bad, they're good, they're bad, they're good, they're bad--pick and level and stick with it.

Frankly, the Celtics could use the consistency of Harvard men's basketball Captain Tyler Rullman. The only thing that slows him down are 102-degree fevers. (OK, and kryptonite.)

Unfortunately, history is not favoring Harvard's third all-time leading scorer and three-time Ivy League Player of the Week. The last Ivy star to go professional was Princeton "point-center" Kit Mueller, the near-hero of the Tigers' near-win over Georgetown three years ago in the NCAA tournament.

Last time anyone checked, he was playing ball in Switzerland. (Stop that! The Geneva-Zurich rivalry can get pretty intense.)

Somehow This God Lost in the Mail: Women's volleyball Coach Wayne Lem will not be returning next year. No word yet on his successor.

Lem will be fondly remembered here for his reponse to a question asked last June about what action his team would have to take in the face of severe budget cuts.

"We'll have to take better care of our balls," Lem replied.

No! No! Not Vitale!: Harvard women's basketball all-around heroine senior Erin Maher will be in New Orleans for the NCAA Final Four--as a player.

Maher will compete with six other seniors from around the country in the "Women's Three-Point Championship" to be aired live on ESPN (there's even a logo for this media monstrosity) on April 4 at 9:30 p.m. Eastern time. Jim Valvano and Dick Vitale will host the event.

Memo to Erin: Do the world a favor and save your last ball for the bald guy.

And Finally: One more note to the men's hockey team. I hear the weather in Milwaukee is lovely this time of year. I mean REALLY nice...

Bang. That's it. But remember: Everybody sacrifice something valuable to the ECAC gods this weekend.

John B. Trainer is a Crimson staff writer.