Just Don't Call Me Jon

Pet peeves.

Everybody has them.

Some nincompoops simply refuse to wait in any kind of line. Other people go crazy at the sound of someone cracking their knuckles.

And I absolutely despise people who take the liberty of shortening my name from "Jonathan" to "Jon."

Such abhorrent, inconsiderate behavior gets me as frazzled as the prospect of an organic chemistry exam. As riled up as I become after the Celtics lose another thriller at the buzzer.

Come to think of it, I'd rather have you throw me into the Charles River on a frigid February morning than chop the last five letters off my first name.

Yes I'm exaggerating a bit. But I honestly believe that "Jonathan" is the name most victimized by laziness. Sure, it's easier to say "Mike" instead of "Michael," or Debbie instead of "Deborah." But occassionally Michael and Deborah manage to emerge from conversations with their names intact. Unfortunately for the Jonathans of America, dropping the last two syllables of our three-syllable name might as well be a national pastime.

Last month, I kept tabs on the first 10 times I introduced myself as "Jonathan." And what did I hear from nine of you buffoons during those conversations? "Nice to meet you, JON!" "Surely, JON." "How interesting, JON."

Oy vey. At last they thought I was interesting.

It's not that I claim to be special, or too good for the name "Jon." But it just doesn't sound right for me. I like to be thought of as somewhat distinguished, and I'd rather not share the spotlight with the masses who go by the name "Jon."

I almost feel that people are slighting me, or not taking me seriously, when they call me "Jon," as if they are thinking they can get away with anything less than the real McCoy. "Jon" is the bare minimum--the shortest abbreviation of my name those butchers could possibly shrink it to and still get my attention.

If they shortened it to "Jo, " or even the letter "J", I wouldn't know who the heck they were addressing. A "Joseph" or "Jay" perhaps, but not a "Jonathan." So I'm left with people calling me "Jon" wherever I go.

And I've had enough. Unfortunately, I've always found it difficult to justify to friends my near-allergic reaction to the name "Jon." They laugh at me--because I let them call me almost anything else.

For most of my life, nicknames have taken over my identity, I have answered to nicknames more often than I have to my real name. This barrage started in my youngest years with my family. In fact, I was doomed from day one--when I emerged from my mother's womb as a "little bubula."

Most children pick up an extra name or two along the way. But for me, the list grew to ridiculous lengths. Maybe my parents splurged on nicknames out of their guilt for depriving me of a middle name.

I had so many nicknames that the average kid in my position would have grown up with severe identity crisis. It's a good thing I was a bright little tike.

"Jona" is the first nickname I can remember. I never objected when Mom or Dad said "Jona," for they wee shortening my name in an affectionate sort of way. But it sure did drive me bonkers when my two little sisters teased and pestered me with it. Soon, relatives an family friends joined the part. Oh well. I decided to grin and bear it.

That is, until my folks decided they liked the name so much that they printed it on the back of a couple t-shirts. What a mistake. I vividly remember arriving at camp one morning, only to hear the bullies chanting "Jona and the whale! Jona and the whale." Poor Jonathan cried all the way home and never wanted to returned to camp again. Of course, Mom shoved me onto the camp bus the very next day, and little Jona has lived with the name ever since.

I picked up some other nicknames from the family, including the creative "Joe-Nathan." While 'Joe-Nathan" was my dad's attempt at a little humor, my baby sister presented me with a gem of a name-- "Ga-lia-ga"--because she couldn't pronounce "Jonathan. " You go figure the similarity. We've tried for the last 15 years.

My nicknames in recent years have more meaning--starting with one I gave myself in high school while running for senior class president: The Sammy Man. I postered the campus with signs that read. "The sammy Man Can," trying to convert the beginning of my last name into a political force.

And while I lost the election, the "Sammy Man" name stuck with me throughout high school--even after graduation. To this day, my high school French teacher still refers to me as "L'homme Sammie." Much better than "Jon."

I remain the Sammy Man in college with my friends--although some of them have either shortened it to "Sammy" or concocted embarrassing variations on the name. Some call me "Clammy Man" because my hands are often cold and sweaty. Others joke by saying "Hey, Scammy Man!"--although I scam on women about as much as Mr. Rogers does.

The names continue to crop up in new mutations. I'm known as "Scoop" among my friends because I spend long hours on stories at The Crimson. And somehow, out of the blue, I earned the name "Uels," with no explanation given except that my name ends with those four letters. A little random, but at least it wasn't' "Jon."

Of course, my father had to cal me "Jona" on the first day of Freshman Week--so one of my best friends at school picked up on that and has never let go. I actually love it when my buddy calls me that--it gives me a sense that I'm not too far from home. But I hated it when my former girlfriend said "Jona." She sounded like my annoying little sisters from years past, so I forbade her from using the nickname.

If asked to choose my favorite nickname, I would pick "Sammy"--without a doubt. But this is not because it was the only one I gave myself, and not because it's the name of the lead character in my favorite TV show, Cheers."

I like "Sammy" the best because it was the name of my dear Papa, Samuel Samuels, who past away a couple of years ago. Everyone called him "Sammy," and his loving memory runs through my mind every time a friend calls me by that name.

But don't feel obligated to use "Sammy"--call me any nickname you please, or even expend a little energy and blurt out "Jonathan." But whatever you choose, make sure that don't get lazy and call me "Jon"--the legal name of millions of bona fide individuals worldwide. if you know what's good for you.