Send them PACKING!

A s President-elect Bill Clinton begins choosing people to fill up posts in his administration, we at Harvard can be assured that once again our institution will be well represented in the White House Office. "Well, of course," you might be thinking. "Harvard is the home of the best and the brightest. We're number one--U.S. News and World Report even says so."

And, as we all know, if U.S. News says so, it must be true. Actually, we at 15 Minutes think that the students and faculty at Harvard are so well-rounded, so brilliant, so power-hungry, that we'd like to suggest to Bill that he look no further than Harvard University in selecting his cabinet members. That's right--forget the rest of the contenders. Those Yalies and other such rabble have no place in a top-flight Democratic administration.

Harvard--yes Harvard--has a man or woman to fill competently every single chair around Clinton's new cabinet table. If Bill were to grab his cabinet members randomly from the College's dining halls, faculty lounges and administration building hallways, he'd come up with some real winners for his staff.

We even have some specific people in mind. Bill, if you're reading (and we know you are), here are their names and some other pertinent information. Their phone numbers are avaliable from Harvard University Information, 495-1000. Congratulations and good luck in your search.

Secretary of State

HARRY WILSON--The ultimate gov jock.Campus GOP poster boy appeals to both politicalstripes with his winsome toothy grin anddiplomatic skills. His La Flamme brush cut will goover well on the international scene. And hisGreek blood gives him vigor.

Alternate: Professor JOSEPH S. NYEJR.--This international relations demigod isfamous for balancing different world views andproducing his own mish-mash theory to pleaseeverybody. The perfect complement to waffle-proneClinton.

Secretary of the Treasury

SAMEER A. CHISHTY--Senior Class GiftCommittee Chair and Crimson business managerfamous for controlling editors' spendthrift ways.Would be good at signing dollar bills. Won't haveany trouble sticking it to the aged and the infirmto balance the budget.

Alternate: Wiry Papa RUBIN.

Attorney General

MAYA PRABHU--Former UndergraduateCouncil vice chair known for unwavering scruples.Irreproachable. And available.

Alternate: ALAN DERSHOWITZ--Glitz,glamour and chutzpah. Big on first amendment.Short on humility.

Secretary of Labor

DONENE M. WILLIAMS--Harvard Union ofClerical and Technical Workers president wouldbring a little spunk to the labor department. Avoice for the working people. Chants from thebeltway like "Darkness, darkness, crescent moon,we need to have a contract soon" would reallystick it to Corporate America. Most recently seenparading in a witch costume outside PresidentRudenstine's house.

Secretary of Commerce

MARTIN ESCOBARI--New Bolivian presidentof Harvard Student Agencies can be seen smiling inthe center of the 1993 Let's Go series. We're surehe'd do a good job doing whatever it is that theSecretary of Commerce is supposed to do.

Secretary of Transportation

TIM PESTA--Manager of theHarvard-Radcliffe Shuttle Bus Service. Wouldrevamp the nation's bus service industry withcramped rattley red buses playing trash techno-popat maximum volume.

Alternate: CASE KIM--King Shuttle Buscaptain, known for enthusiasm and yummy bikerspandex pants.

Secretary of Agriculture

MICHAEL P. BERRY--Friend to the friedpotato(e) farmer in Idaho and the free rangegristle chicken people in Peoria, thisonce-messianic director of dining services hasstarted serving us shit, He's due for a change ofcareer, and what better placement than a powerfulgovernment post. Let's get creativity like "Breadand Cheese Bar" and "Make Your Own Sundae" intothe upper levels of our federal government.

Alternate: TOMMY of Tommy's Lunch.Another dispenser of bad potato products.

Secretary of the Interior

JOHN DUVIVIER--Crunchy crunchy leader ofthe First-Year Outdoor Program and Head TF forJustice. Neato enviro glasses. Sizeable yetrefined frame. Knows New England wilderness andthe first-year psyche. Would lead Bill, Al and thegang on a week-long pre-Inauguration Week bondingtrip in the back country.

Alternate: BRETT HUFF, savior of MotherEarth and member of PBH's environmental committee.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:

JAKE MATLOCK and PAULMAGWENE--Co-directors of Harvard's PeerContraceptive Counselors would move to Washingtonand throw condoms of all colors, textures andflavors to the Inauguration Day parade crowds. Aboon for safe sex. Pat Robertson will have a cow.A national 900-number dispensing sex tips forthose over 18 will help erase the deficit.

Secretary of Housing and UrbanDevelopment:

JAMIE HARMON--As a first-year, thisHarvard elite Democrat and U.C. member founded theCommittee Against Randomization to retain studentchoice of upperclass House. Three years, hundredsof meetings and dining hall announcements later,his efforts have been in vain. A determined butgrating campaigner, Harmon would be the perfectfollow-up to Jack Kemp.

Alternate: SANJIV SINGH--PBH presidentwould bring a passion for public service andgovernment activism to HUD. Self-conciouslyselfless.

Secretary of Education

HENRY ROSOVSKY--Former Dean of theFaculty of Arts and Sciences would institute anational Core requirement to make every Americancitizen--not just Harvard students--well-roundedand well-versed in such vital issues as"Individual and Social Responsibility" and "Matterin the Universe."

Alternate: President NEIL L RUDENSTINE.What he did for Harvard he can do for the country.Liberal office hours for the concerned citizen.

Secretary of Energy

The HARVARD DIN AND TONICS--The sheerpower of this smiling, hand-clapping a capellagroup is without equal. A safe, snappy alternativeto nuclear energy. Great shiny tuxes.

Alternates (in order of appointment in case theDins cannot serve): THE PITCHES, VERITONES,DEAN EPPS, KROKODILOES, OPPORTUNES, CALLBACKS,NOTABLES.

Secretary of Defense

CHRIS PILLSBURY--The "adjuster" for theCrimson's football team, knows how to stop thedreaded Ivy rush. If he can do that, by God, hecan protect the country