A Most Impudent Epistle

Esteemed Sir:

In a most impudent Epistle published in ye Cambridge Chronicle 18th of April, instanter, a certaine Goodbody Lane doth probable ye Refusal of Harvard College to grant him Ciccuse to emblason upon sundry vulgar Garments: "Harvard Caed Naked Sports." Let us deconstruct this Enormitie.

Eschewing "Harvard's Puritan Heritage," this saucy and heretickal Fellowe Elponseth instead ye visions Doctrine of "Unitarianism." He difparageth further that goode and great Gentleman ye Reverend Doctor Cotton Father!

Doth this ignorant Fellowe Lane know not of ye immemorial Recreations and prerogatives of ye Gentlemen and Lady Scholars of ye College? When, ye sight of god not being before their Eyes, they indulge in Fornication they care not for Blood-Sports or Apparel, pursuing instead ye naked Caeds per se (and ye Caeds ye Scholars inter se) in the State of Eve and Adam before ye Expulsion. So far from being an eftimable "popular College Tementa," both Genders despise these Garments as a fully most vicarious and insane.

Had he made a more seemly Proposal, exempli gratia, "HARVARD CLOTHED COLD DIVESEICURE," he might have found Favour. But ye Fellowe hath shewn scaree ye Witts of an Yalie. So in disgust say wee: ye Figge of Spaine la Goodbody Lane! Of politickal Rectitude his is a mind devoide. Verily, wee doth suspect him of consorting with Jacobites and diverse other dangerous Radicals, gainst which wee must all watch and warde most vigillantly.

We remaine, Sir, your most humble and obedient Servants, Some Gentleman of Harvard and Ladies of Radcliffe