Life Without Mort Downey

Scene: Some watering hole in Queens, New York. The Mets are on the tube, and most of the bar's patrons are making fun of Darryl Strawberry. Except for two gentlemen, who sit in a corner booth. One is opening a bottle of Budweiser. The other is crying.

"I can't believe he's [expletive] going off the air," he says amid his sobs. "Don't those [oops], [bad word], big-wig executive snobs know what good quality television is?"

"You're so [bleepin'] right. First it was WWF wrestling. Then, Benny Hill. Now, they've gotten rid of Morton Downey."

[A waitress comes up to the booth and hands the teary-eyed man a box of tissues. He blows his nose.]

"I can remember the first time I bought tickets to his show. Some trans-sexual, born-again Christian who burns American flags was the guest. Mort just ripped him up like he was a can of Play-Doh. God, it was so [naughty, naughty] beautiful."

"Remember when he threw that politician dude off his set?"

"How about what he did to Sharpton? Art. Pure [censored] art."

"Yeah, that's it. He's an artist. A modern-day Pablo Mozart. Or that guy who cut his ear off? What's his name?"

"Van Dyke."

"Yeah, Van Dyke."

"Do you know that Van Dyke guy is related to Dick Van Dyke? Remember his show with Mary Tyler Moore? I still watch it on Nick at Nite."

"Mort was better. He was the [gerundive] [a part of the body]. I mean, all those shows made you laugh, but Mort, he was different. He made you laugh, scream your lungs out and beat up the person next to you all at the same time. Dick Van Dyke can't do that."

"Neither can Carson, Letterman, that guy from Wheel of Fortune or that Black kid who hangs out with Eddie Murphy. [Degrading verb], no. Mort did it all."

"And he smoked on the show, too. What a nut."

"Even when his show was moved to 4 a.m., I watched him. I used to tape him sometimes and play the tape during breakfast. He was so funny one time that I spit up Cocoa Puffs all over my table. The milk even came out of my nose."

"Get out of here."

"No, it's true. He was interviewing some guy who spent $50,000 on phone sex. Mort called him a pervert, and I just lost it. It shot right out of my nose."

"Really? That's [past tense verb] up."

"Hey, Mort was the kind of guy who could make you do that. You think Bill Cosby ever forced me to do that? Cosby can't even hold Mort's [the same part of the body mentioned before]."

"You got that right. That's why I can't figure why he was canned."

"I mean, if you're going to can someone it should be that newsguy who thinks he knows it all. Ted what's-his-name?

"Danson. The guy on that ABC show."

"Yeah, Mr. Big Shot Snob. Could you believe that guy. He talks to Russian guys on his show like they were best buddies."

"You know what Mort would do to those commie jerks? Blow them right out of the [same gerundive as before] water. Mort? he's just one of the greatest Americans around."

"Amen."

"Now he's gone. There's no justice in this world. It's the corporate big-lapel guys who run this country. Mort's just another victim."

"Yeah, just another victim. That's exactly what's going to happen to Pete Rose."

"What's happening to this country?"