This Bark Has a Great Deal of Bite

He is scarier than Stephen King, larger than Big Bird, more outspoken than the young Cassius Clay and one of the best basketball players in the NBA.

He is Philadelphia forward Charles Barkley--the Round Mound of Rebound, the Guru of the Glass--and tonight in the first round of the NBA playoffs, Lord Charles will plant his large frame under the basket, dominate the paint and lead the 76ers to victory over the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden.

Or will he?

Ask New York Knick Coach Rick Pitino how to defend Barkley and he'll admit that he doesn't know. Pitino has tried everything: press, double-team, man-to-man, praying, sending flowers to the Barkley family. But it hasn't worked. The Sixers are the only team in the NBA to beat the Knicks twice at the Garden. They can thank the Bark for that.

Barkley and the rest of the Sixers vs. the Knicks. It is definitely the most interesting first-round NBA playoff series.

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The top 10 scariest things that will happen this summer if the Texas Rangers still have the best record in baseball:

10. Wide lapels and scratchy polyester suits will become the nation's newest fashion rage.

9. Gerry Cooney will return to the boxing ring.

8. Billy Martin will manage the Yankees again.

7. "President Quayle, where are you, President Quayle?"

6. Sylvester Stallone will follow in the footsteps of Olivier and Burton and become the Hamlet of the 1990s.

5. Mike Tyson will marry Margo Adams.

4. Oliver North, Jim Wright, John Tower and Gary Hart will form the country's newest political party, the Has-Beens.

3. Citing personal differences with CBS, Brent Musberger will quit his job, move to Boston and begin to announce every game for the Bruins, Celtics, Red Sox, Boston College football, Harvard hockey and Northeastern basketball.

2. Morton Downey Jr. will be Musberger's color commentator. And Geraldo will do on-the-field features.

1. The Olympic Committee will allow professional wrestlers like Andre the Giant and Coco B. Ware to compete for their respective countries.

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The Celtics say it was just a coincidence, but why did they activate Larry Bird right before their playoff series against the Detroit Pistons? Did they need a new towel boy?

Martina Navratilova will not play in the 1989 French Open. She offered no reason for her decision. Here's mine: Martina doesn't have the legs to stay with the younger players (read: Steffi Graf and Gabriela Sabatini) anymore.

The NHL should just forget about the rest of the playoffs and give the Stanley Cup right now to the Calgary Flames.

The New York Mets are starting to win again. The Chicago Cubs' NL East dynasty, which lasted about three whole weeks, is crumbling.

The difference in the AL East this year is Roger Clemens.

I had a strange dream last night. It was about some blonde-haired guy in a green-and-white basketball uniform taking a last-second shot from the three-point line in a palace somewhere near a city that sounds lie Benoit in a state that looks a lot like a mitten.

This is the semester's last Schoolyar Talk Tune in next semester for more sports wit and wisdom.