Praying to the Tourney Gods

Yesterday, I made an appointment to talk with the NCAA basketball tournament master.

You know, that guy who decides which teams will make the Final Four. The one who decides all those upsets.

"Start speaking, kid. Time is money. McNeese State is giving me airplane tickets to Hawaii if I give 'em the go to upset Illinois in the first round. Robert Morris has been calling me all afternoon. A last-second basket to beat Arizona, they're telling me."

"What are they offering you?"

"Free passes to the NBA Finals."

"Tough choice."

"Dale Brown will make me mayor of New Orleans if I help LSU reach the Final Four. Billy Tubbs will hire me as the new football coach of Oklahoma if I give the Sooners the NCAA title. I've had a tough day, kid. This better be good."

"Let Princeton beat Georgetown Friday night in Providence."

"Hey, hold it, kid, who do you think I am? John Thompson would hunt me down. You're talking about a team that might win the championship, if I let them."

"But you owe me."

"I owe you?"

"Yeah. The N.C. State upset of Houston in the 1984 finals. The Indiana win over Syracuse in the 1987 game. The DePaul upset of St. John's in 1987. The 1986 Auburn upset victory over St. John's. Any time Ralph Sampson and Virginia was in the tournament. Michigan. Iowa. Pittsburgh. Notre Dame..."

"Okay, okay. But why should I?"

"Because think of it--the nation goes crazy over the greatest upset in the NCAA tourney. The mighty Hoyas fall to the less-than-mighty Tigers. Tigermania in March. Kit Mueller commercials. Bob Scrabis sneakers. Sen. Bill Bradley, ex-Tiger legend, will proclaim on the floor of the Senate how American the NCAA tournament is."

"What are you offering?"

"I'll make you the newest king of rock n' roll. I'll make you commissioner of the NHL. I'll make you the country's most popular late-night talk show host."

"You got a deal on one condition: I call up the NCAA hockey tournament master and tell him that Harvard's fair game in the tourney. Upset city."

A pause. I think for a minute and mutter, "Go, Hoyas, go."

The top 10 reasons the Boston Celtics will make the NBA playoffs, but lose in the first round:

10. "Subbing in for Robert Parish, center Joe Kleine."

9. The Detroit Pistons.

8. When will you be back, Larry? (Waiting for Godot was more encouraging.)

7. Reggie Lewis. Brian Shaw. Ed Pickney. Jim Paxson. Now those are post-season players.

6. Kevin McHale gets hurt. Parish gets hurt. "Now, posting up against Rick Mahorn, Ramon Rivas."

5. Danny Ainge is in Sacramento.

4. Soon, Larry, soon. You'll be back, right?

3. It's Dennis Johnson now. Not DJ.

2. Admit it: the Celtics are no longer the elite team in the Eastern Conference.

1. If the foot gets better, Larry, and you get to play some games before the playoffs...

Biggest news to come out of the Red Sox spring training camp: whether or not to keep Sam Horn on the roster. They say his fielding has improved. Are they talking about the same guy?

Kareem scored 21 points against Houston Monday night in L.A.'s 97-96 victory over the Rockets. The Lakers are 44-18, the best record in the Western Conference. Who's getting old?

Catch the Bruins Tuesday night in Pittsburgh? Bruins 8, Mario and Company, 2. Bring on Montreal.

I have met only two New Jersey Net fans in my life.

Sweet 16 predictions: Illinois, Louisville, Missouri, Syracuse, Oklahoma, Virginia, Alabama, North Carolina, Arizona, UNLV, Seton Hall, LSU, Georgetown, N.C. State, Kansas St. and Duke.