Scamming at UHS

MEETING people was easy on the "Love Boat." Once you were invited on the show, you knew you'd have some illicit rendezvous with a washed-up movie star. Barring that, you would be sure to hit it off with Merril, Julie or Gopher ('70).

Harvard is not the Love Boat. An educational institution that boasts of more than 50 different libraries and has an annual "Computer Fair" does not easily lend itself to romance. But all is not yet lost. After conducting an extensive pseudo-scientific survey, I have determined that there are places on campus to find that special someone, if you know where to look.

Sections: Yes. A friend of mine revealed to me, in confidence, her secret strategy for luring the most eligible bachelors in her sections into asking her for dates. Apparently she deliberately sits opposite the Don Juan of the moment and stares mercilessly at his forehead for the entire hour. She claims this plan has worked for her on at least three separate occasions and vows to go for number four when she gets off academic probation.

A word of warning: when I tried a variation of this tactic, the teaching fellow stopped section and asked if I needed to get a drink of water.

Lectures: No. Lecture romances are always disastrous mistakes. I speak not from the standpoint of experience, but from the nauseating perspective of having to sit behind two smooching lovebirds while trying to take notes on cell respiration. Spare us all, and don't start a lecture romance.

Lamont Library: Yes. I will now formally state what many Harvard socialites have known for years--Lamont is one big pick up joint. All six floors are packed with "scammers," "scopers" and "swoopers" of all colors, creeds, sexes and sexual persuasions. A single point of proof: Who would go to Lamont to study?

Cabot Library: No. Cabot, by contrast, teems with cut-throat premeds, just back from subverting their fellow students' lab projects. Chocolate candy, promises of sexual favors and even naked love dances won't budge them from their meticulously prepared notebooks.

UHS Waiting Room: Yes. This littleused resource has fantastic potential for the truly desperate. Think about it. You'll have plenty of people to choose from, something in common with everyone else--HEY! MY NOSE IS RUNNING TOO!--and literally hours and hours to build a relationship. Just avoid those patients with symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases.

Final Clubs: No. Males can find romance at final clubs if: (1) they can play pool, (2) their net worth exceeds $5 million, (3) they like prostitutes.

Just a few harmless jokes, right guys? Anyway, it's impossible to meet people at final clubs, as they are not an integral part of social life here.

MAYBE I am just fooling myself thinking there is romance at all at Harvard. In the course of my extensive interviews, at least 10 people outright laughed in my face when I asked where on campus they searched for love. Come to think of it, some of it may have laughed in my face before I asked them anything.

There must be romance at Harvard! Whether it is an isolated Certs Encounter on a shuttle bus on a cold winter morning, two people reaching for the same book deep in the Widener stacks, or a group of drunk seniors rifling through the freshman facebook trying to gauge freshmen's personalities, ROMANCE LIVES.

Keep saying it to yourself, and it just may come true.