Eastern European Quiz

PROFESSORS of Soviet and Eastern European Studies used to live the easy life. Day after day, they sat in their cushy university offices and waited for communist leaders to speak to the press.

And waited. And waited.

Every few months these professors published articles in obscure academic journals laden with phrases such as "totalitarian," "spiritless" and "crushing burden of communism." When news was especially slow, they published their articles again in a different font.

These professors had so much time on their hands that they actually met with students. During "office days," some even performed their impressions of Stalin and Lenin.

But no longer. Now, Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev announces major policy initiatives to the press on a daily, rather than a quintannual, basis. Eastern European nations are stumbling over each other to declare their independence--witness the recent resignation of the entire East German Politburo. At this torrid pace, the Communist Bloc will soon generate more headlines than the Jane Pauley-Today Show feud.

The implications of these changes for academia are staggering. Soviet Studies professors, who once took long vacations without anyone's noticing, can't go to the bathroom for fear they'll miss two or three key announcements. They spend their spare hours looking in the dictionary for new phrases to use in their papers.

In other words, these professors won't be meeting with students this semester; we'll just have to understand the massive changes in Eastern Europe by ourselves. As a first step towards this noble goal of self-education, I have compiled a diagnostic current events quiz.

Some of the following headlines come from the distinguished front pages of The Crimson, Boston Globe, New York Times, and Wall Street Journal within the last month. Others I sort of made up.

If you can separate the real headlines from the phony ones, you too could have a successful career in academia in your future.

EAST Germans Swarm to Prague; 8000 Are Allowed to Cross Border

10,000 More Flee As East Germany Vows East Travel

New Poll Reveals 3 of 4 in East Germany are Packing to Leave, But Can't Find Handi-Wipes

Poland Unveils an Economic Program Aimed at Introducing Free Market Rules and Capitalist Institutions

Gorbachev Calls Marx `As Dumb As a Doorknob,' Lauds Conspicuous Consumption

SOVIET Player Kasparov Criticizes Gorbachev, Calls for End of Communism

Gorbachev Criticizes Kasparov, Calls for End of Communism

Gorbachev Says Soviet Union Has Removed All Tactical Nuclear Missiles That Could Strike Northern Europe

Gorbachev Admits He Is Now Pointing All Missiles at Kasparov

Soviet Aides Hint Hungary is Free to Quit Warsaw Pact

Hungary Declares Plans to Enter NATO, Become 51st State

SCHEVARDNADZE Admits Moscow Violated 1962 ABM Treaty, Denounces Moscow's 9 Year Involvement in War in Afghanistan

Schevardnadze Says Russian Revolution Based on Illegitimate Use of Force; Proclaims `The Tsar Was Right'

Bush Announces Bold New Arms Control Initiative, Plans to Reconstruct East Bloc Economies

[Answer Key: Sorry, this is Harvard. No answer key here...but I hope nobody thought that last one was correct.]