A Guide to Breaking Up

DURING a comedy sketch, Steve Martin described his personal method for breaking up. He slowly and carefully tells his girlfriend: "I break with thee. I break with thee. I break with thee,"--and then tosses dog poop on her shoes. If you don't want to be cruel, there are ways to make it easier.

My girlfriend and I broke up this semester. Afterwards, I thought a lot about how relationships end and now I can give some decent advice to anyone breaking up.

*Try to break up in private on the other person's turf. Don't act like the guy in The Unmarried Woman, who tells his wife he's leaving while he's walking down Fifth Avenue. Don't say goodbye while on vacation. The other person needs to be near friends and family to lean on.

*It's best to be direct. "I think we should stop seeing each other" is better than "We...er...should...uh..split up...maybe." And there's no need to act as if you're cancelling a business account. Make it clear that the relationship was important. Say something like: "I will never forget what were some of the happiest days of my life."

*Cut all romantic and physical ties. Don't call your ex if you're lonely on a Saturday night. Think of a line sung by the Supremes: "let me get over you, the way you've gotten over me."

*Whatever happens, don't blame yourself for hurting the feelings of your old mate. "A gentleman," as the omniscient Salada Tea Bags-maker correctly suggests, "never hurts someone unintentionally." But he does hurt someone occasionally.

When the love of your life wants to get out of your life, you may think not only of splitting up, but of throwing up. Even in those first miserable moments, try to remember: there's no shame in heartache. It shows you're not a zombie. It has happened to millions of others--and it will fade away.

Above all, try to keep some pride. Don't blame yourself for the break-up. Instead of analyzing every fault, think of your good qualities. Adopt the attitude that your ex is making a big mistake. The singer of the Young Rascals' "I Ain't Gonna Eat Out My Heart Anymore" has the right idea: "Baby, you just lost the best thing you ever had."

You may want to throw away silly memorabilia--the leaf he gave you, the grass she threw on your head--while putting away meaningful mementos in a box you won't open for several years. Don't spend Saturday night re-reading old letters. Remember: there are many fish in the sea, including some with sexy scales and friendly fins.

Some day, you won't wince when hearing the first name of your old boyfriend or girlfriend. Eventually, you'll forget the last miserable night alone and remember the first magical day together. In the meantime, good luck.