The Year to Come

More than 400 years ago, the great Italian seer Nostradamus took a day out of his busy schedule to scratch on clay tablets his predictions for each year of the second half of the 20th century. Then he sent the predictions to 14 Plympton Street, which he had foreseen to be the future site of The Harvard Crimson. He's been right before, so here are his predictions for 1988, printed in their entirety.

January

Wednesday 6--In a major fundraising coup, Kennedy School Dean Graham Allison secures a pledge of $2.5 million from New York philanthropist J. Rodney Peeter. The money is slated to fund a new mid-career program for middle-aged, unemployed political scientists. In a statement released today, President Derek C. Bok announces that Peeter's gift was conditioned on his being offered a University post commensurate with the size of the unprecedented donation and that Peeter would replace Allison as K-School dean effective immediately.

Thursday, 14--Norman Ornstein Professor of Political Punditry Marvin Kalb announces his candidacy for President of the United States. "During my 'Candidates '88' conversations I have convinced myself that I am smarter, better informed and better looking than the current crop of candidates," Kalb told himself in an interview broadcast this morning.

Tuesday, 26--The Kennedy School announces that former Dean Graham Allison today will become the first unemployed, middle-aged political scientist to be awarded a fellowship to study at the new Peeter Program for Unemployed, Middle-Aged Political Scientists. "As a firm beliver and beneficiary of the Peter Principle," Allison says. "I am grateful for this opportunity to live for a semester off of Peeter's principal."

February

Tuesday, 9--Voting is light in today's Iowa caucusses due to rumors that MTV will be broadcasting a John Cougar Mellencamp video sometime during the day, but the results are conclusive: Four out of five dentists recommended Trident for their patients who chew gum and the other 20 percent just don't care. On the political front, the big winner today is Waylon T. Pickens, who beat back a crowded field to become auditor of Cornpone Country.

Tuesday, 16--Building upon the momentum of his successful bid for auditor of Cornpone Country, Waylon T. Pickens stuns the Democratic and Republican parties by sweeping to victory in both parties' primaries. "We're in deep shit," said Democratic national Chairman Paul Kirk. "Us too," said his GOP counterpart. In a statement, Pickens tells reporters not to look into his past for sordid details. "I carry a piece and I like to use it," he added.

Wednesday, 24--In their first ever vote on divestment, the Board of Overseers calls on the University's governing Corporation to sever all ties with companies that do business in South Africa.

A corporation member comments: "Divestment? What do they mean by that?" Another corporation member comments: "Divestment, mmmm, that means we should sell stock in companies that do business in South Africa, doesn't it?"

March

Tuesday, 1--The yearly debate of how the freshman housing lottery should be changed begins.

Monday, 7--Surprise Presidential frontrunner Waylon T. Pickens announces his withdrawal from the race following his arraignment on manslaughter charges. Pickens, who has campaigned from his front porch, was trimming his hedges with a Stanley power tool when he inadvertently decapitated a Miami Herald reporter.

Tuesday, 8--The newly rejuvenated presidential candidacies of Gray Hart and Bob Dole receive an additional jolt of energy from their stunning victories in today's Super Tuesday primaries. "I'm a sarcastic guy, so I better not comment." Dole said.

Thursday, 24--Results of the Freshman Housing lottery are announced:

Euro-artsy students are assigned to Adams.

Preppy students are assigned to Eliot.

Some athletes are assigned to Kirkland.

The other athletes are assigned to Leverett.

Group I students are assigned to Lowell.

Minorities are assigned to Currier.

Happy students who like decorating Christmas Trees, attending house formals, and playing "gottcha" are assigned to Winthrop.

Happy students who think Winthrop is "too juvenile" are assigned to Quincy.

Unhappy students are assigned to Dunster, Mather, North, and Cabot.

Administrators declare the benefits of diversity.

April

Monday, 4--Harvard's governing Corporation agrees to consider the Board of Overseer's recommendation that the University divest of its South Africa-related holdings. "Golly," says President Bok, "What a good idea. Why didn't that ever occur to Henry and me?"

Wednesday, 20--In order to keep overall tuition raises to a minimum, acceptance letters will go out today to an incoming class of 13,567 students. "We figured we'd let them all in this year," said Dean William Fitzimmons, "After all, there was an unusually high number of candidates from old Harvard families."

Friday, 22--Professor Glenn C. Loury is not charged with a felony today.

May

Saturday, 7--International hostilities peak when Libyan strongman Moammar Khaddafy sends bombers out to blow the Mather House Booze Cruise out of the water. "We have stated time and time again that our territorial waters extend into Boston Harbor," the Libyan leader says. "If those smart-alecky Harvard kids don't respect The Line of Death ... well, tough nuggies."

Khadaffy's isolation in the world community was broken only by a congratulatory telegram from Cambridge City Councilor Al Velluci.

Monday, 11--Tired of charges of that he is a carpetbagger, Rep. Joe Kennedy today announced that he was moving his family to a home within the city limits of Cambridge. "I am pleased to announce that as of this moment, Ich Bin Ein Cantabrigian."

June

Thursday, 9--Commencement Speaker Woody Allen refuses to speak to the gathered assembly, but does treat the audience to a clarient rendition of "Harvard, Fair Harvard".

The University grants honorary degrees to nine old men and one old woman, as usual. No one recognizes any of the names but everyone is very impressed.

Wednesday, 15--In response to concern among graduating seniors that the market's sustained downturn since Black Monday and deteriorating economic indicators will keep Wall Street firms from hiring in large numbers, President Bok issues an emergency Open Letter. "Somehow, Harvard men and women always manage to prevail," Bok writes. "Our alums at all the major brokerage houses tell me that their organizations will be able to find jobs for recipients of Harvard's great liberal arts education."

July

Wednesday, 6--Securities and Exchange Commission investigators arrive at the Boston office of Walter M. Cabot and remove Harvard's top money man in handcuffs, charging him with responsibility for Black Monday. "I was just playing with the new computer, and then, suddenly, I had sold the entire endowment short," Cabot said. "Sorry," he added.

Friday, 22--Following Columbia's lead, Harvard decides to relax admission standards for athletes.

Thursday, 28--Declaring his undying love for everyone in the Atlanta convention hall as well as those at home in front of their television sets, Dr. Leo Buscaglia today accepts the Democratic Party's nomination for the presidency of the United States of America. "Just as Ike promised to go to Korea, I pledge to you today, my fellow Americans, that I will traverse the land for as long as it takes until I have hugged each and every one of you, thus uniting the entire nation--metaphorically speaking, of course--within my loving embrace. If you don't vote for me, you can all drop dead."

Friday, 29--The 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul open without a hitch, thanks to tight security and promised political and economic reforms. ABC wins kudos for its "Up Close and Personal" segment on the country's leader Rae Tah Woo, entitled "My Brilliant Korea."

August

Thursday, 11--Vice President George Herbert Walker Bush today accepted the nomination of his party and immediately lashed out at his opponent, Dr. Leo Buscaglia. "I'm not one for this huggy-wuggy touchy-feely stuff. I'm a man's man, and if you doubt it, I'll kick you right in the fanny. I was a war hero, you know."

Tuesday, 22--Mysteriously, football coach Joe Restic spends entire athletic budget on 1988 Trans Ams before recruiting trip to the South.

Monday, 28--U.S. Judge Robert Bork announces today that he will team up with international songstress Charo in a charity benefit on behalf of the homeless. In an unrelated disclosure, Bork confirmed that he seldom wears any clothing beneath his robes.

September

Monday, 11--The Corporation votes to divest of all South Africa related stocks.

Tuesday, 12--Armed conflict erupts in the streets of Pretoria.

October

Wednesday, 3--In perhaps the greatest prank of all time, students put chisels to the John Harvard Statue, scratching the "o" from "founder", changing "1638" to "1636", and adding after "John Harvard" the inscription "--as modeled by Sherman Hoar, student".

November

Tuesday, 8--In a surprising development, write-in candidate Mikhail S. Gorbachev, though a communist, is elected President of the United States.

Following his acceptance speech, President-elect Gorbachev approaches failed Democratic candidate Leo Buscaglia with arms spread wide in a gesture of post-election reconciliation. Dr. Buscaglia, who responds by smacking Gorbachev in the kisser, is siezed and taken away by a cadre of special body guards whose appointment had been the new president's first official act.

Wednesday, 9--George Bush emerges from his Houston Residence, the Sheraton Hotel, to address his supporters. "I don't care what anybody says, I didn't cry when they told me, I didn't. And if anybody says I cried, I'll kick 'im right in the rear end. I mean it. War heroes don't kid around."

Buscaglia cannot be found for comment.

Thursday, 17--The Rose Bowl Committee awards bid to undefeated Crimson football squad.

December

Monday, 5--The publishing world was shocked today be the revelation that Stephen King does not in fact exist and is the nom de plume of a trio of idiot savants working out of a basement workship in Cleveland.

Thursday, 15--University of Chicago professor Allan Bloom today announced that he was taking back all the criticism of contemporary American society that he levelled in his unexpected blockbuster book The Closing of the American Mind. "What can I say?" he said in an announcement addressed to the American people. "I was drinking a lot back then, my significant other was giving me a hard time and my stomach was acting up. I was in a pretty bad mood and I took it out on you all. I'm really sorry. Really."

Wednesday, 21--In a simultaneous announcement, Harvard and the Public Broadcasting System reveal that Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III will replace the venerable Alastair Cooke as host of PBS's "Masterpiece Theater." When reached for comment, Epps said, "I feel this exciting new post is the culmination of my long, if not varied, career. I look to the future with my head held high and my hat doffed to those who will succeed me."