A Harvard Guide to Hedonism

MIDTERMS are finally winding down, senior theses are complete, and three-quarters of the school year is basically over. A stressed-out campus breathes a collective sigh of relief, and turns to the next hurdle. SPRING BREAK!

Everyone's most cherished winter fantasy, the one which sustained us through the 11 dreary weeks of February, is finally a reality. Now the big question surfaces through the euphoria--Where am I going? For those of you who treated the affair like a Core paper, no more extensions will be granted, but here's a guide to your last-minute options, complete with a price list.

The classic spring vacation for eligible collegiate thrill-seekers is the Florida Hedonism Extravaganza. There are three meccas of illegality to choose from--Fort Lauderdale, Miami, and Daytona Beach. Be sure to check out the world balcony-diving championships, held nightly at area hotels in each city. Harvard's break unfortunately occurs slightly after that of the rest of the uncivilized world, but there should still be numerous opportunities to have a cheap, sleazy...I mean, totally awesome break.

One of your activities in Florida should be getting one of your hearty compatriots intoxicated to the point of complete helplessness while on the beach, and then covering his or her face and chest with various lewd witticisms in sunblock. Party games like this coupled with the requisite amount of beer-guzzling and sun-worshipping, and you will have a dream vacation which will only cost your self respect, $300, and five-eighths of your functional grey matter.

MORE erudite undergraduates seek something cultured and scenic. They flock towards Mexico or the Carribean Islands, where the ocean is blue and the drinking age ignored. The most difficult part of this sort of trip, though, is gathering information and making arrangements. One of my room-mates spent the better part of an afternoon shrieking, "Habla Ingles?" into a telephone without getting an intelligible response--but it might have been the connection.

Other vital particulars ought to be examined as well, such as the toxicity of the water supply and the stability of the government. Although "See Panama" excursion deals are fairly cheap right now, I would not advise this alternative, based on the recent experiences of tourists in Grenada and Haiti. Ask yourself this question--when the dictatorship crumbles, are your Traveller's checks still good? If you have a sense of adventure, this fantastic journey can be yours for only $499, Maalox not included.

For those cheapskates who want to stay in New England, we have the good-old-fashioned ski vacation. Celebrate the advent of spring with a week more of winter! There is still snow on the mountains and refreshments in the lodge, although things sometimes go wrong. Inevitably, one novice, influenced either by egotism or contraband stimulants, will attempt a black diamond trail and wind up as a permanent part of the mountain.

Get a clue, people! Go South and roast on a beach with a Margarita in your hand. Why proceed even further North than Cambridge (Yes, it is possible) to shiver in an unheated cabin? But if you still feel the need to spit in the face of common sense, then you are welcome to this trip for $225 and two vital organs. Don't forget your Blue Cross card, though.

There are other, less popular, but more exotic packages available, such as helping Uncle Sam check the spread of the Communist menace in Honduras--all expenses paid. But the vast array of choices with so little time to decide might make you want to simply crawl into your closet and sleep for a week.

Another consideration for students would be a lack of funds. Most students can't afford taxi fare to the airport, let alone a plane ticket. You could always get your parents to pay for a trip home, but who wants to be subjected to a week-long barrage of "What are you doing with your life? Why don't you get a haircut?" sermons from relatives.

Maybe the best answer is to stay in Cambridge, where you can have it all. You can take lodging in world-class splendor in your very own dorm room without the burden of heat (for a change) and be served two bountiful repasts of sumptuous cafeteria food each day in the luxurious environs of the Kirkland House Dining Hall. All this for just $63 for the entire break! Whatever you decide, though, there are only two days left to sign up, so hurry.