Hard Liquor Is Quicker

EVEN at Harvard traditions must be run over by the wheels of progress. The recent decision to ban beer kegs from Freshman dorms shows that University officials recognize this need for change. Such ancient undergraduate rites of passage as playing Donkey Kong by rolling empty kegs down the stairs of Weld Hall or maneuvering through 30 people crammed into a Holworthy bathroom around the keg in the shower will not be remembered, let alone missed by future Harvard students.

Harvard's primary responsibility is to shape its students in such a way that they are best prepared to interact with society, and the administration now recognizes that this includes social instruction as well. Kegs are out of step with the fast-paced world of electronic communication; they are too unwieldy and difficult to store and keep cold. They simply don't contain a high enough percentage of alcohol for today's serious partiers. Bottles of hard liquor are infinitely easier to transport, Vodka shots are much more efficient for intoxication purposes, wine is much more civilized for Harvard's intellectual atmosphere, and a good Everclear punch is much tastier than beer, allowing people to drink far more excessively.

The keg ban instituted by the Freshman Dean's Office will be a wonderfully effective means for breaking up-and-coming freshman partiers from the bad habits of beer drinking that currently impair the social graces of many upperclassmen. Future freshmen will be able to turn to more practical and productive drinking methods, thereby achieving higher blood alcohol levels than their predecessors ever dreamed of. The administration is taking the first step towards bringing the University's much maligned student social life into a new age. Let us all raise our shot glasses to their foresight and innovation.