'368 Bedrooms, Good Location'

REAL estate, it's all about real estate. Harvard may be Cambridge's largest landowner, but it seems that no one associated with the school can ever get enough space. Undergraduates are clamoring for a student center; the faculty is begging for more offices; Harvard Real Estate wants to build a hotel on the Gulf Station lot; and the final clubs, which own some of the most valuable property in the Square, selfishly keep it from students who need it, sharing it only with their few male members.

President Bok knows the importance of real estate. Day after day, he sits in Mass Hall pondering the cost of building a hotel, the legality of all-male clubs and the probability that shifting the Freshman dining services to Memorial Hall will cause a riot in the Union dorms. He hasn't had such trouble dealing with his land since Cambridge Mayor Al Vellucci suggested paving over Harvard Yard to alleviate Cambridge's parking problems.

Now Bok's troubled mind can be put at ease. The following plan, should Bok decide to implement it, will solve all these problems and leave him free to devote plenty of time to his other concerns, such as his new push to make the University's administration more democratic.

STEP 1: The Hotel. Instead of spending millions of dollars on a construction project that will block traffic in the Square for years, Harvard should take advantage of a building it already owns which is centrally located and can easily be converted into a first class, four-star hotel--Memorial Hall.

There are hundreds, possibly thousands of single and double rooms in the catacombs of this magnificent edifice which could easily be converted into pleasant living quarters. And parents staying there would be able to assist in their children's registration and visit popular courses as "Justice" without ever going outside. This feature could increase the school's tourism revenues substantially during Boston's cruel winter months.

The postcard design possibilities are innumerable; "Mem Hotel, an Intimate Lodging in the Tradition of the Core Curriculum" and "Wish You Were Here in Our Gothic Paradise" come immediately to mind. Within a few years, maybe it could get put on the Club Med circuit.

Step 2: Undergraduate Activity Center. The Harvard Motor House is ideally suited for this role. In fact, the University could even house all undergrads here, eliminating all complaints about campus unity. The entire House system as well as Sever, Emerson, Robinson and Harvard Halls could then be converted into a more profitable enterprise, such as an amusement park/wax museum/go-cart track. It could have a catchy name such as "Harvard Funland," "Brown University" or something wacky like that.

Step 3: Faculty Office Space. Distinguished tenured faculty deserve only the best, and the most lavish, comfortable settings for offices in the Harvard Square area are the buildings currently housing the nine final clubs.

In order to pacify the expropriated club members and alumni, however, female faculty could be asked to use the service entrances to the clubs, and would be restricted from using the pool rooms. But this shouldn't present too big a problem; after all, how many tenured women are there anyway?

Step 4: The Final Clubs. In the fourth phase of this plan, the disgruntled members of the nine "fraternal" organizations could be allowed to pursue their arcane male-bonding rituals within the confines of the long-since abandoned Freshman Union.

This move would be most effective in eliminating the elitist nature of the clubs. Who could possibly boast to his friends, "Guess what guys? My prayers have been answered! I was punched by the Freshman Union yesterday! I'm going to a formal dinner there tonight!" The clubs would be open to women within days.

This plan has one final advantage: it would leave the Gulf Station untouched. This is as it should be, since the Gulf Station is not only an architectual masterpiece and historical landmark, but it's still one of the few parking lots in the Square, and therefore helps keep Harvard Yard safe from Al Vellucci.